George,

 > Q: What is the most reliable method to determine a baby's sex?
 > A: Childbirth.

 GP> It's worked for umpteen millennia, but now they want to switch it up; a
 GP> possibly(probably) true Los Angeles story:

  In southern California, if there's no smog, UCLA.

 GP> A: I heard you just had a baby?
 GP> B: Yes.
 GP> A: Is it a boy or a girl?
 GP> B: How should I know? It's not old enough to TELL me yet!

  I don't know whether it's a boy or girl, so I don't know whether you're
an aunt or an uncle.

 GP> I used to tell people, "I hope to have three kids -- one of each." &
 GP> let THEM figure it out!

  A case of mistaken indemnity.

 > Q: Do I have to have a baby shower?
 > A: Not if you change the baby's diaper very quickly.

  That takes practice!!

 GP> When you change a girl, t here may be some addtoinal dribble onto the
 GP> new diaper.  When you change a boy, you have a little laser dot on your
 GP> forehead. . . target acquired, FIIIIRRE!!!!

  Yep.

 > Q: Our baby was born last week. When will my wife begin to feel and act
 > normal again?
 > A: When the kids are in college.

  Or the kids complain all year that "I can't wait for summer vacation
to get here!!". Now that it's here "I'm bored!! There's nothing to do!!
I can't wait for school to get here!!". 

 GP> This is the new normal. HAH! Kids are your punishment for enjoying sex!

  If it started with our thoughts and fantasies, puberty killed everyone's
virginity.

 GP> In the first few months of my wife's pregnancy she wasn't showing
 GP> The baby was inapparent

  Mama's little secret.

  There are quite a few childbirth jokes out there...it used to be a labor
to find them.

 GP> Bought a home pregnancy test.
 GP> Turns out, my house is pregnant.

  Now, you can add that extra man cave you always wanted. 

 GP> I got my wife 4 pregnancy tests and they all came back positive
 GP> She’s now worried about how we are going to raise 4 kids.

  Be like the Duggar family...as they grow up, put them on diaper
duty.

 GP> "It's time we discussed the elephant in the womb".

  Uterus don't say.

 GP> My wife's pregnany lasted so long it seemed like a maternity.

  Sign on the maternity room door -- PUSH!! PUSH!!

 GP> You have reached the pregnancy hotline...
 GP> If you'd like to speak to a physician, dial 1... if you are currently
 GP> in labor, dial 8...

  If that's not a viable option, press the pound key.

 GP> Last night while discussing our options and what could possibly happen,
 GP> my girlfriend said "I have such a gut feeling I'm pregnant" and gave me
 GP> the slyest look I've ever seen.

  Buns are in the oven...and buns are being sat on.

 GP> Q: What do programmers call an unplanned pregnancy?
 GP> A: Fetal error.

  They only come in baby steps.

 GP> I have felt heavily invested in my wife’s pregnancy ever since she
 GP> first told me.
 GP> After all, I provided the seed money.

  On the sperm of the moment, no less.

 GP> Q: What happens after pregnancy?
 GP> A: gnancy

  Gee, Nancy, why didn't you tell me??

 GP> True story: I worked at a Crisis Pregnancy counselling centre;  While
 GP> entering in the comment cards, one had in answer to, "What could we do
 GP> to improve your experience?": "Maybe some soft lighting & music."

  Not to mention aromatic perfume.

 GP> I asked my sister how her pregnancy is going. My dad interrupts,
 GP> "Swell!"

  Never mind growing pains.

 GP> A Girl takes a Pregnancy Test, then looks her Boyfriend dead in the
 GP> eyes and says:
 GP> Your Kid in Me!

  Then, they wanted a sample from him into a cup, and said Penis (pee in
nis).

Daryl

... I took an IQ test, and the results were negative.
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