George,

 GP> Also, at any time, let me know if you're done with receiving these.
 GP> Because you're not an email mate, I will automatically charge your
 GP> credit card that we have on file for the usual $19.00 cancelation fee!
 GP> ;)

  You forgot the fee for whining and complaining. 

 GP> -= 1 =-
 GP> "I ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon. I'll let you know."

  Good cluck to both of them?? 

 GP> -= 2 =-
 GP> The late night/etc. quotes:

 GP> "Chocolate maker Hershey is reportedly expecting to cut its global
 GP> workforce by about 15 percent. That's right, for the first time ever,
 GP> chocolate is giving up people for Lent." -Seth Meyers

  There was a jingle awhile back that noted "Nestle's makes the very
best chocolate". I'm sure Hershey had something to say about that. Or,
like the late Red Skelton noted, the various types of sneezes:

1) The chocolate bar sneeze: Hershey
2) The inquisitive sneeze: Who's She?
3) The samaurai sneeze: Kanitcheewah (sp?).

  He then said "For the next one, the folks on the front rows may need
to move back a bit"...at which point, everyone in the orchestra pit
opened up an umbrella. 

 GP> "A new study found that babies as young as nine months can tell the
 GP> difference between friends and enemies. Which raises a lot of
 GP> questions, like: What kind of babies have enemies?" -Jimmy Fallon

  Good question.

 GP> "According to a new study, having sex in a hot tub could cause
 GP> infections and rashes. Though if you're the kind of person who has sex
 GP> in hot tubs, you probably brought a couple with you." -Seth Meyers

  So, it'd be a "Jac-off-cuzzi"?? :P

 GP> "A 100-year-old Dutch woman recently persuaded local police to arrest
 GP> her to fulfill an item on her bucket list. Cool story for her, not so
 GP> much for the victims of her double homicide." -Seth Meyers

  I would say not.

 GP> "YouTube temporarily pulled a New York zoo's live stream of a giraffe
 GP> giving birth, after some complained that it was sexually explicit. I
 GP> just want to say if you are watching an animal give birth and you think
 GP> this is too sexy, the problem is you." -James Corden

  You got that right.

 GP> There was a farmer who had many pigs. One day someone came to the farm
 GP> and asked the farmer, "What do you use to feed your pigs?"



 GP> The hesitant farmer answered after a minute of careful thought: "Well,
 GP> I give five dollars to each pig so they can buy whatever it is they
 GP> want."

  Sort of like the chicken crossing the road to buy eggs from the grocery
store, so the owners won't think she has gone into "henopause". :P

 GP> Why is two times ten the same as two times eleven? Because two times
 GP> ten is twenty and two times eleven is twenty, too.

  But, in blackjack, you're busted at twenty-two.

 GP> Mom and Dad were trying to console Susie, whose dog Skipper had
 GP> recently died.

 GP> "You know," Mom said, "it's not so bad. Skipper's probably up in Heaven
 GP> right now, having a grand old time with God."

 GP> Susie stopped crying and asked, "What would God want with a dead dog?"

  Or like the one where the girl is crying as she is burying her goldfish
inside this huge shoebox. When asked by the neighbor why she used such a
big box for a tiny goldfish, the girl replied "because it's inside your
cat".

 GP> "Very good, Sam. Thank you." Mrs. Sampson then turns to Mary and says,
 GP> "Mary, I have 3 things to tell you: first, it's clear that you have not
 GP> done your homework. Second, you have a dirty mind. And third, I fear
 GP> one day you are going to be sadly disappointed."

  I heard of one little boy going around, bragging that "I have 2 
tallywhackers". A man observing this quipped "He's going to make some
girl happy". :P

 GP> FAMOUS LAST WORDS

 GP> "I know good mushrooms when I see them!"

  I thought a mush room was where the babies were fed.

 GP> "Don't worry, the ones that bark a lot don't bite."

  Or the guy asks "does your dog bite?". When told "no" by the person
walking the dog, the guy puts his hand out, and the dog bites him. 
The guy said "I thought you said your dog didn't bite", and was told
"That's not my dog".

 GP> "Bungee jumping is perfectly safe.  Here, I'll show you."

  Must've used inferior rope.

 GP> "What do you mean 'Godzilla's at the door'?"

  King Kong was busy.

 GP> "Of course it's safe!"

  Somebody tore off the warning label.

 GP> "Is this gun loaded?"

  Pull the trigger and see.

 GP> "Hah, this curve is easy to drive through."

  Depends on how fast you're going.

 GP> "What does 'Reactor-Overload imminent' mean?"

  It means you're about to glow in the dark, but you'll never know it.

 GP> "How deep is this chasm?"

  Take a jump and see.

 GP> "There is no quicksand here."

  It's only slow on a bad day/

 GP> "Yeah, that's right. I use a steel-cable to bungee-jump."

  Be careful where that cable comes in contact with you.

 GP> "Don't worry, you missed that plane by a mile."

  You can catch the next flight.

 GP> "Why is this Toxic waste barrel bulging so much?"

  The barrel is breaking down??

 GP> "I fixed the brakes on this baby myself."

  Throw a 10 cent piece in front of it, and it'll stop on a dime.

 GP> "Don't worry, I took gun safety"

  And, it took your intelligence away.

 GP> "What's this button?"

  Depends on the color.

 GP> "So, do you think the gorilla is sleeping or dead?"

  Bother him and find out.

 GP> "You dare me?"

  No, but if you're dumb enough...

 GP> "I think there's a world market for about 5 computers."
 GP>        Thomas J. Watson, Chairman of the Board, IBM (around 1948)

  Itty Bitty Mind.

 GP> "The bomb will never go off.  I speak as an expert in explosives."
 GP>        Admiral William Leahy, US Atomic Bomb Project

  That diagnosis blew up on him.

 GP> "This fellow Charles Lindburg will never make it.  He's doomed."
 GP>        Harry Guggenheim, millionaire aviation enthusiast

  His spirit went further than St. Louis.

 GP> "Stocks have reached what looks like a permanently high plateau."
 GP>        Irving Fisher, Professor of Economics, Yale University,
 GP>          (five days before the Crash of 1929)

  Just like any overinflated balloon, it'll burst someday.

 GP> "Airplanes are interesting toys but of no military value."

  Probably thought the idea would never take flight in battle.

 GP> "God himself could not sink this ship."
 GP>        Anonymous Titanic Deck Hand

  Voice From The Heavens: "Is That Your Final Answer??".

 GP> "Man will never reach the moon regardless of all future scientific
 GP> advances."

  The only moon one usually reaches is if they're reaching out to touch
someone's butt cheeks.

 GP> "Everything that can be invented has been invented."
 GP>        Charles H. Duell, Commissioner, US Patent Office, 1899.

  Then, why is the patent office still in business??

 GP> "Ha!  They couldn't hit an elephant at this dist..."

  Safe to say he was trunk-ated. 

 GP> 'And for the tourist who really wants to get away
 GP> from it all - safaris in Vietnam' - Newsweek predicting
 GP> popular holidays for the late 1960's

  Things did get rather drafty.

 GP> 'ALL THE PASSENGERS ARE SAFE' - Lancashire Evening Post
 GP> headline on their report of the Titanic sinking.

  They didn't count the available lifeboats.

 GP> 'Television won't last. Its a flash in the pan' - Mary
 GP> Somerville, pioneer of radio educational broadcasts, 1948.

  Amazing how it has changed from back then.

 GP> 'The Beatles? They're on the wane' - the Duke of Edinburgh
 GP> in Canada 1965.  They went on to produce five albums and
 GP> eleven singles, most of which got to number One.

  There was a 45 rpm record years ago, a compilation of their
tunes, as an interview...entitled "Beatlemania".

 GP> 'Radio has no future' - Lord Kelvin, President of the Royal Society,
 GP> 1890-5.

  Amateur radio was around before KDKA.

 GP> 'Heavier than air flying machines are impossible' - Lord Kelvin.
 GP> President of the Royal Society,1890-5.

  He never rode the Hindenberg.

 GP> 'X-Rays will prove to be a hoax'-Lord Kelvin, President of the Royal
 GP> Society, 1890-5.

  I guess the other 25 letters didn't sound right.

 GP> "About this 'Liberty or Death' business, Mr. Henry. Isn't there some
 GP> reasonable position in between?"

  Only if you're a contortionist.

 GP> Then he burst into laughter. "Come on, Dad," he said. "What is it
 GP> really?"

  Some are still trying to figure it out.

 GP> "Good grief, Cletus, ya scared the bejeebers out of me," says an
 GP> obviously embarrassed Billy Bob. "But me 'n the wife been havin trouble
 GP> lately in the bedroom d'partment, and the therapist suggested I do
 GP> something sexy to a tractor."

  Never mind Out Behind The Barn.

 GP> As he gets closer it becomes apparent that her breast is hanging out.
 GP> When he gets face to face with her he says, "Ma'am, are you aware I
 GP> could cite you for indecent exposure?"

 GP> She says, "Why, officer?"

 GP> "Well, your breast is hanging out."

 GP> She looks down and says, "OMIGOD, I left the baby on the bus!"

  Oops.

Daryl

... At a nudist wedding, you can always tell who the best man is.
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