Welcome to another edition of the Metric Dozen Punnies & Funnies.

Please do comment as to which you loved & which you hated. . . 

If you especially like one, post another yuou like; if you especially don't
like one, plost an example of what you'd prefer. . .  :) 

Also, at any time, let me know if you're done with receiving these. Because
you're not an email mate, I will automatically charge your credit card that 
we have on file for the usual $19.00 cancelation fee! ;) 

-= 1 =-
"I ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon. I'll let you know."

-= 2 =-
The late night/etc. quotes:

"Chocolate maker Hershey is reportedly expecting to cut its global workforce
by about 15 percent. That's right, for the first time ever, chocolate is
giving up people for Lent." -Seth Meyers

"A new study found that babies as young as nine months can tell the 
difference between friends and enemies. Which raises a lot of questions, 
like: What kind of babies have enemies?" -Jimmy Fallon

"According to a new study, having sex in a hot tub could cause infections and
rashes. Though if you're the kind of person who has sex in hot tubs, you
probably brought a couple with you." -Seth Meyers

"A 100-year-old Dutch woman recently persuaded local police to arrest her to
fulfill an item on her bucket list. Cool story for her, not so much for the
victims of her double homicide." -Seth Meyers

"YouTube temporarily pulled a New York zoo's live stream of a giraffe giving
birth, after some complained that it was sexually explicit. I just want to 
say if you are watching an animal give birth and you think this is too sexy,
the problem is you." -James Corden

-= 3 =-
There was a farmer who had many pigs. One day someone came to the farm and
asked the farmer, "What do you use to feed your pigs?"

"Well, I give them acorn, corn, vegetable scraps and things like that. Why?"

"Because I am from the Animals Protection Association and I think you don't
feed them like you should, they shouldn't eat wastes." Then he fined the
farmer.

Some days later, another person arrived and asked the same question. The
farmer answered, "Well, I feed them very well. I give them fish, whole 
grains, hot corn mash and as much fresh fruit and vegetables as I can get my
hands on. Why?"

"Because I am from the United Nations Organization and I think it's unfair
that you feed your pigs like that when there are people dying with nothing to
eat." And he fined the farmer.

Finally, another man came in and asked the same question.

The hesitant farmer answered after a minute of careful thought: "Well, I give
five dollars to each pig so they can buy whatever it is they want."

-= 4 =-
Why is two times ten the same as two times eleven? Because two times ten is
twenty and two times eleven is twenty, too.

-= 5 =-
Mom and Dad were trying to console Susie, whose dog Skipper had recently 
died.

"You know," Mom said, "it's not so bad. Skipper's probably up in Heaven right
now, having a grand old time with God."

Susie stopped crying and asked, "What would God want with a dead dog?"

-= 6 =-
Sixth grade science teacher Mrs. Samson asks her class: "Who can tell me 
which organ of the human body expands to 10 times its usual size when
stimulated?" Nobody raises a hand, so she calls on the first student to look
her way. "Mary, can you tell me which organ of the human body expands to 10
times its usual size when stimulated?"

Mary stands up, blushing. "Mrs. Samson, I don't think you should be asking
those kinds of questions," she says. "I'm going to tell the principal and
tonight I'm going to tell my parents. We shouldn't be discussing this kind of
thing in class."

Mrs. Sampson is shocked by Mary's reaction, but undaunted. She asks if anyone
else in class can answer the question. This time Sam raises his hand. "The
answer is the pupil of the human eye, Mrs. Sampson."

"Very good, Sam. Thank you." Mrs. Sampson then turns to Mary and says, "Mary,
I have 3 things to tell you: first, it's clear that you have not done your
homework. Second, you have a dirty mind. And third, I fear one day you are
going to be sadly disappointed."

-= 7 =-
~#~ H/T to Daryl Stout in Fido's FUNNY for this set ~#~

 Famous Last Words
Daryl Stout

FAMOUS LAST WORDS
 
"I know good mushrooms when I see them!"
 
"Don't worry, the ones that bark a lot don't bite."
 
"Bungee jumping is perfectly safe.  Here, I'll show you."
 
"What do you mean 'Godzilla's at the door'?"
 
"Of course it's safe!"
 
"Is this gun loaded?"
 
"Hah, this curve is easy to drive through."
 
"What does 'Reactor-Overload imminent' mean?"
 
"How deep is this chasm?"
 
"There is no quicksand here."
 
"Yeah, that's right. I use a steel-cable to bungee-jump."
 
"Don't worry, you missed that plane by a mile."
 
"Why is this Toxic waste barrel bulging so much?"
 
"I fixed the brakes on this baby myself."
 
"Don't worry, I took gun safety"
 
"What's this button?"
 
"So, do you think the gorilla is sleeping or dead?"
 
"You dare me?"
 
"I think there's a world market for about 5 computers."
       Thomas J. Watson, Chairman of the Board, IBM (around 1948)
 
"The bomb will never go off.  I speak as an expert in explosives."
       Admiral William Leahy, US Atomic Bomb Project
 
"This fellow Charles Lindburg will never make it.  He's doomed."
       Harry Guggenheim, millionaire aviation enthusiast
 
"Stocks have reached what looks like a permanently high plateau."
       Irving Fisher, Professor of Economics, Yale University,
         (five days before the Crash of 1929)
 
"Airplanes are interesting toys but of no military value."
 
"God himself could not sink this ship."
       Anonymous Titanic Deck Hand
 
"Man will never reach the moon regardless of all future scientific
advances."
 
"Everything that can be invented has been invented."
       Charles H. Duell, Commissioner, US Patent Office, 1899.
 
"Ha!  They couldn't hit an elephant at this dist..."

'And for the tourist who really wants to get away
from it all - safaris in Vietnam' - Newsweek predicting
popular holidays for the late 1960's
 
'ALL THE PASSENGERS ARE SAFE' - Lancashire Evening Post
headline on their report of the Titanic sinking.
 
'Television won't last. Its a flash in the pan' - Mary
Somerville, pioneer of radio educational broadcasts, 1948.
 
'The Beatles? They're on the wane' - the Duke of Edinburgh
in Canada 1965.  They went on to produce five albums and
eleven singles, most of which got to number One.
 
'Radio has no future' - Lord Kelvin, President of the Royal Society,
1890-5.
 
'Heavier than air flying machines are impossible' - Lord Kelvin.
President of the Royal Society,1890-5.
 
'X-Rays will prove to be a hoax'-Lord Kelvin, President of the Royal
Society, 1890-5.

"About this 'Liberty or Death' business, Mr. Henry. Isn't there some
reasonable position in between?"

 # Origin: The Thunderbolt BBS - tbolt.synchro.net (1:19/33)

-= 8 =-
One evening after dinner, a five-year-old son noticed that his mother had 
gone out and he asked, "Where did mommy go?"

His father told him, "Mommy is at a Tupperware party."

This explanation satisfied him for only a moment. "What's a Tupperware party,
Dad?"

The man had always given my son honest answers, so he figured a simple
explanation would be the best approach. "Well, son," he said, "at a 
Tupperware party, a bunch of ladies sit around and sell plastic bowls to each
other."

He nodded, indicating that he understood this curious pastime.

Then he burst into laughter. "Come on, Dad," he said. "What is it really?"

-= 9 =-
Cletus is passing by Billy Bob's hay barn one day when, through a gap in the
door, he sees Billy Bob doing a striptease in front of an old John Deere
tractor.

Butt clenched, he performs a slow pirouette, and gently slides off the right
strap of his overalls, followed by the left. He then hunches his shoulders
forward and in a classic striptease move, lets his overalls fall down to his
hips, revealing a torn and frayed plaid shirt.

Then, grabbing both sides of his shirt, he rips it apart to reveal his 
stained T-shirt underneath. With a final flourish, he tears the T-shirt from
his body, and hurls his baseball cap onto a pile of hay.

Having seen enough, Cletus rushes in and says, "What the world're ya doing,
Billy Bob?"

"Good grief, Cletus, ya scared the bejeebers out of me," says an obviously
embarrassed Billy Bob. "But me 'n the wife been havin trouble lately in the
bedroom d'partment, and the therapist suggested I do something sexy to a
tractor."

-= 10 =-
A woman of undisclosed hgair colour is walking down the street, with her
blouse open. A cop is approaching from about a block away, thinking, "Boy, my
eyes must be going, it looks like that woman's right breast is hanging out."

As he gets closer it becomes apparent that her breast is hanging out. When he
gets face to face with her he says, "Ma'am, are you aware I could cite you 
for indecent exposure?"

She says, "Why, officer?"

"Well, your breast is hanging out."

She looks down and says, "OMIGOD, I left the baby on the bus!"

Your friend,

<+]:{)}
Cyberpope, Bishop of ROM
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