MANAGED FRIENDSHIP
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  Welcome to Managed Friendship, a whole new way of thinking about friends
  and relationships!  The Managed Friendship Plan (MFP) combines all the
  advantages of a traditional friendship network, with important
  cost-saving features.
  How Does It Work?
     Under the Plan, you choose your friends from a network of
  pre-screened accredited Friendship Providers (FPs).  All your friendship
  needs are met by members of your Managed Friendship Staff.
  What's Wrong with my Current Friends?
     If you're like most people, you are receiving friendship services
  from a network of friendship providers haphazardly patched together from
  your old neighborhoods, jobs, and schools.  The result is often costly
  duplication, inefficiency, and conflict. Many of your current friends
  may not meet national standards, responding to your needs with
  inappropriate, outmoded, or even experimental acts of friendship.
  Under Managed Friendship, your friendship needs are coordinated by your
  designated Best Friend, who will ensure the quality and goodness of fit
  of all your friendly relationships.
  How Do I Know That the Plan's Panel of Friends Is Not Made Up of a Bunch
  of Losers Who Can't Make Friends on Their Own?
     Many of today's most dedicated and highly trained Friendship
  Providers are as concerned as we are about delivering Quality Friendship
  in a cost- effective manner.  They have joined our network because they
  want to focus on acting like a friend rather than doing the paperwork
  and paying the high bad-friendship premiums that have caused the cost of
  traditional friendship to skyrocket. Our Friendship Providers have met
  our rigorous standards of companionship and loyalty.
  What If I Need a Special Friend, Say, for Poker or Fishing?
     Special Friends are responsible for most of the unnecessary and
  expensive activities that burden already costly relationships. Under the
  Managed Friendship Plan, your Best Friend is qualified to pre-approve
  your referral to a Special Friend within the Managed Friendship Network
  should your needs fall outside of the scope of his/her friendship.
  Suppose I Want to See Friends Outside the Managed Friendship Network?
     You may make friends outside of the Managed Friendship Network only
  in the event of a Friendship Emergency.
  What is a Friendship Emergency?
     The Managed Friendship Plan covers your friendship needs 24 hours a
  day, 365 days a year, even if you need a friend out of town, after
  regular business hours, or when your Best Friend is with someone else.
  You might be on a business trip, for instance, and suddenly find that
  you feel lonely.  In such cases, you may make a New Friend, and all
  approved friendly activities will be covered under the Plan, provided
  you notify the Managed Friendship Office (or 24-hour Friendship Hotline)
  within two business days.
  What Friendly Activities Are Covered Under the Plan?
     Friendly Activities that are typically covered include:
       - Agreeing with you
       - Appearing sympathetic
       - Chewing the fat
       - Dropping by
       - Feeling your pain
       - Gossiping
       - Hanging out
       - Holding your hand (up to 5 minutes per activity)*
       - Joshing
       - Kidding around
       - Listening to you whine
       - Partying
       - Passing the time
       - Patting your back
       - Ribbing
       - Sharing a meal
       - Shooting the breeze
       - Slinging the bull
       - Teasing
       *up to 15 minutes under the Premium Gold Friendship Plan
  What Friendly Activities Are Not Covered Under the Plan?
     Activities that would not be pre-approved include (but are not
  limited to):
       - Bar hopping
       - Bending over backwards
       - Drinking to excess
       - Giving a hoot
       - Going the extra mile
       - Lending money
       - Real empathy
       - Sexual favors
       - Truly caring
       - Using illicit drugs
  How Can I Find Out More About the Managed Friendship Plan?
     A simple call is all it takes.  If you need a friend, just call our
  toll-free number.  Or visit our web site.  Sign up for the  Managed
  Friendship Plan and rest easier that all of your appropriate friendship
  needs will be met.
  Who Decides What's Appropriate for Me?
     We do.  Isn't that what friends are for?
                    DO THE WILD THING!
                   you may send netmail
                   to the address below
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