From: Dragon lite
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It's the theory of Jess Birnbaum, of Time magazine, that women with bad
legs should stick to long shirts because they cover a multitude of shins.
It's not the initial skirt length, it's the upcreep.




Jim owned a blue-green colored Volvo. It was a '72 however, making it quite
old and even Volvos don't last forever. When he was driving home one
afternoon and the engine fell through the engine mounts, his wife brought
up the subject of buying a new car. "Well, I've grown partial to this
car, dear" said Jim. 
"But honey, this car is falling apart!" his wife exclaimed. The
argument went on for a while and the husband finally agreed that he would
buy a new car, but only another Volvo and only the same blue-green color.
It had to be the *exact* same shade of blue or he wasn't interested. And so
his quest began. "Nope.

Are you sure they're made in that color?" asked all the Volvo dealers
in New York. He went to Connecticut and received the same line. He went to
Rhode Isalnd, only to hear "Nope - had one last week. Couldn't sell it
so we gave it to a junk dealer." Jim ran to the junk dealer just in
time to see the car of his dreams crushed.

He travelled through Vermont. "Nope. Can't get one here." He
tried New Hampshire. "I don't think they make them." He went into
Maine. "I don't have one, but Charlie might. He's the Volvo dealer up
in Caribou."

Anyone ever told you about Caribou, Maine? It is freezing up there and is
in the middle of nowhere. Unfortunately, at this point, an enormous storm
system began to move into the area and Jim was trapped at the dealership
during the blizzard. Two days later, when the dealer arrived to open up
shop, he found Jim standing by the door. Then the dealer opened the door,
Jim saw it. Right in the middle of the showroom floor was his blue-ish
colored Volvo. Perfect!

Jim told the dealer of his quest, paid him the sticker price and was about
to leave when the dealer asked "Why did you spend so much time
searching for this color Volvo? Why did it have to be this turquoise
color?"

Jim smiled and said, as he drove off... "Well, there's something about
an aqua Volvo, man"





George loved tea. He'd always come over for several cups. He had an
insatiable thirst. He became such a nuisance that we decided to fix him. To
cure him of all desire for tea, we decided to drown him with the stuff. One
day we forced him to drink ten posts of tea. As he staggered off, we
laughed at how clever we had been in putting ten pots in a tea pest.





There once was a guy named Arthur Twiddle. He was your ordinary, homeless
street bum, and everyone called him Artie. He found a cozy area to live
next to this huge mansion. Although he lived in a cardboard box, he would
gather the crumbs from the owner of the mansion for food. The owner's name
was Mrs. Ralphs. Everything was fine up until Mrs. Ralphs decided to get a
pet cat. Instead of throwing away food, she would feed it to her cat. Artie
got real frustrated at this move, so he decided to rob her of all her
money. One night, he snuck into her mansion, and found a huge safe hidden
behind a plant. He noticed that it had been recently opened, and not
completely shut. With anticipation, he forced open the safe, and to his
surprise, and disappointment, there was only one dollar. He screamed out
with rage, "ONE STINKING DOLLAR!!!, HOW CHEAP!"


The butler came in, and threatened to report to police. Artie, being
afraid, instinctively choked the butler to death. Then the maid came in,
and screamed at the sight of the dead body. Artie then impulsively choked
her to death as well. Mrs. Ralphs finally entered the room and told Artie
that she had called the police already. The sounds of the police sirens
were already audible. Artie realizing that he couldn't escape, choked Mrs.
Ralphs to death, too. The police busted in in and arrested Artie. Many
reporters were there and Artie made the front headlines of the National
Newspaper.

"Artie chokes three for one dollar at Ralphs"





Scotland is a great place for fishing -- people travel from all over
Britain to take part in the angling competitions held in Fifeshire.

To keep the visiting fishermen entertained in the evenings, one of the
hotels decided to stage a fish eating competition as well. A dozen
competitors sat at a long table with a supply of grilled fish fresh from
the nearby river and their choice of tipple to help wash it down. The
winner would be the one who could eat the greatest number of whole fish in
15 minutes.

There were two favourites in the race who had done well in the previous
year's competition. Local man John Hicks was well-known for his appetite,
and Steven Coleridge from London was also strongly fancied, although he
didn't have access to the same sort of training facilities during the year.


At first, Hicks surged ahead and had devoured three fish in the first five
minutes. But Coleridge was close behind him and finished his third fish
after seven minutes. The rest of the field were rank amateurs by comparison
and most were only there for the free drinks. Hicks continued to lead for
most of the alloted time, until suddenly there was a loud crunching sound
and he cried out in pain. He had bitten a hard piece of bone and dislodged
a molar; after consuming eight fish he couldn't continue. Coleridge was
unfazed and kept chewing at his relentless pace. By the end of the fifteen
minutes, Coleridge had edged past his rival to win the competition. The
headline in the paper next day read:

"One tooth free for Fife's Hicks, Steven ate nine tench"





The manager of the Wax Museum of Horrors called in his janitor, and told
him that he would be fired if he didn't do a better job of polishing the
figures in the museum. The janitor replied: "I am sorry, but I buffer
ghouls badly."





A news item this morning was about a local coal miner. It seems that his
advocation was painting, but since he couldn't afford to buy canvasses he
simply painted on the wall of his small cottage. Unfortunately, a gang of
youths broke into his cottage earlier this week and defaced his paintings.
Yesterday the young miscreants were charged in court with having
"corrupted the murals of a miner."





Once there was a monster, similar to the one from Loch Ness, living in the
Thames River in London. It terrorized the city's inhabitants until one day,
those who were true and brave enough gathered their strength together and
slew the monster. In order to deal with this landfall of suddenly available
meat, they ground its carcass into spicy German sausages. Charles Dickens,
at the time a reporter for The Times, wrote a newspaper article describing
the events carrying the headline:


IT WAS THE BEAST OF THAMES; IT WAS THE WURST OF THAMES!!






Rai Punning wildly...













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Sometimes you have to go out on a limb to turn over a new leaf



Don't trust his words, trust his actions.


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