.. One fine day, Keith waffled to Bill..

 Hello Keith,

 KR> **************** news flash *******************
 KR> griffith                                                     tuesday
 KR> by a special correspondent

 You bored at work, or sumfin ???

 KR> in a surprise move today, mr rod speed has released a new insult macro
 KR> on an unsuspecting public. 
  
 KR> netmail to be delivered correctly no matter where it is addressed. "the
 KR> only opposition to this comes from pathetic coat trailers who put up
 KR> transparent smoke screens because they have juvenile dogshit between
 KR> the ears" raved the spokesdog, pausing to regain his composure, and
 
 You missed welp, or was that whelp ?? Somthing like this...
 
 "welp, the only opposition to this comes from pathetic coat 
  trailers who put up transparent smoke screens because they have 
  juvenile dogshit between the ears" 
  
 KR> wiping the foam from his jowls. his then apologised stating that he had
 KR> been spending too much time lately in mr speed's company, and closed
 KR> the conference. another member of the public interviewed while trying
 KR> to fit a triumph swing axle to a nissan skyline said "who cares what
 KR> the boring old fart does", and, in many ways, that seems to sum up the
 KR> general reaction. 
 
 Very good.
 
 It seems it's time for an update of the Profiles soon, as we 
 have a couple of new members to the fold.
 
 I've got a reasonbly recent one, and added Theo.
 
**********************************************************************
 

               AUST_AVTECH Personality Profiles - V2.00.


Preamble - AUST_AVTECH is an exclusive Fidonet echo, and newcomers are
not welcome so PISS OFF!  Unless you hate communists, in which case you
can join, as we need to redress the balance of 99% communists, 1%
sane REAL SOON NOW!


(listed in order of a hashing algorithm based on the person's name which
is so secret that it was forgotten, and the ones that don't fit that
order were tacked on the end after the algorithm was forgotten)


Rod Speed (alias: Corse, dunno) - the ISO has recently adopted him as the
definition of correctness, and a Metric unit "Speed" will be forthcoming,
when he stops arguing with them about the definition of Correctness.

Bill Grimsley - trying to get his dad to pay less tax on an income of
$250,000 p.a. whilst still claiming to be a cat-hating communist. Good
points - likes frogs (NOT Frogs), and is related to the inventor of the
modern day toilet, but unfortunately his schizophrenic condition has
lead him to abandon the best OLR known to man in preference to crappy
OS/2 point software.

Rod Gasson - a genuinely insulting person, which is what you expect from a
bible-bashing communist pot-head.  Despite his communist tendencies,
willing to canvas the idea of voting Liberal - an anomaly which can only
be explained if he is a Protestant (Anglican? something anyway), and
doesn't want to be caught voting for a Catholic.

Bill Hely - a genuine psychopath, votes Liberal so that makes him a top
bloke, agrees with me on sensitive political issues like nuking Indonesia,
which makes him an even topper bloke, despite being a self-confessed
ex-Hun.  As Basil said, whatever you do, don't mention the war (I
mentioned it a couple of times but I think I got away with it).
Temporarily (hopefully) missing.

Brenton Vettoretti - rumored to own limousines and have a lot of relatives
with dead horses.  Rumours have all been generated by people who have
never met him, so they are likely to be true, and the fuckers have all
been shot.  Loses points though, for keeping an unnaturally clean and
tidy desk.

Frank Malcolm - a genuine communist - a state of mind that only occurs
when travelling faster than the speed of light, where one can be returned
to the naivete of 1917, complete with WordStar key definitions.  Missing,
presumed to be on his way back to the future.

Theo Bee - Rumered to be a communist. Was evicted from his native 
Holland homeland. Unsubstantiated reports make vague refernces to 
big dykes, small holes and various blackmarket sexual devices. 
Wishes to attain the title of "The Flying Dutchman", but will 
never gain altitute whilst maintaing an ostritch-like stance.

Peter Nielsen - wants to be an Australian but can't even get an entry visa
because he's from the unsociable end of the world (the end that built a
huge moat around their castle).  Tried to fake his own near-death-
-experience so that people would send him get-well-soon cards.  Only claim
to fame is managing to invoke a humane comment from Paul Edwards.  It was
probably a communist plot, so you know what that makes him.

Michael Butler - the only way to contact him is by jumping up and down and
blinking a lot.  Same way you contact a SEP (Someone Else's Problem - see
HHGTTG for complete explanation of SEP).  There is no mathematical
relationship between SEPs and communists unfortunately, otherwise we'd
know where we stand (thanks to Phillip Dunne and Frank Malcolm's
mathematical skills).

Shayne Harmsen - taking personal responsibility for the lack of a cure to
the common cold.  Missing, presumed searching for a cure.

Roy McNeil - posts a lot, but never says anything that I understand or am
interested in.  He's probably in the wrong echo.  An echo that deals with
Audio and Visual Technical issues is probably more appropriate, or at
least one where he can't get annoyed by Rod Speed.  The unpredictability
of his tangential mind is only surpassed by his propensity to create
copper wire.

Trev Roydhouse - the most talked about person in Aust_AVTech despite the
fact that he's yet to make his debut.  Posts copious quantities of
AutoFlames to people who only laugh at him when they receive them.
Until recently, he was considered Public Enemy #1 and held in the highest
of contempt, but has recently shown himself to be human after all, by
arguing with Rod Speed in an echo he moderates himself.

Paul Edwards - a loony's loony.  Pastimes include pitting his wits against
the ants in his bin, in a game of psychological microwave-oven torture.
His only idealism that doesn't involve killing people cryogenically is his
attraction to the Public Domain movement (is actually the founder of the
People's C Revolutionary Strike Force), but that is probably just an
attempt to beat communists at their own game that they never play anyway
because they're just a bunch of scavengers anyway, but let's not get into
that now OK?

Robert Ryder - considering amputation at the neck after recently
understanding a message written by Paul Edwards.  Missing, presumed
decapitated.

Tony Antoniou - managed to avoid excommunication by being dead at the
right time.  Missing, presumed working for Sony.

Mark Livingstone - manages to talk about gods a lot.  Quite possibly a
communist as well.  Should be shot just in case.

Owen Crocker - probably read too many messages by Paul Edwards and
subsequently caught a contagious disease, with a medical name of insanity.
This observation was made by others, as I didn't see anything wrong with
the suggestion of taking it in turns writing messages about consecutive
numbers.  This probably proves the point beyond doubt.

Matthew Carter - excommunicated for incorrectly assuming that an echo
called "Australian Audio Visual Technical Conference" ought to discuss
issues relating to Audio Visual matters, and threatening to murder the
moderator for having this misunderstanding cleared up.  However startling
new messages show that that Matthew Carter is actually 96 years old and has
, and forgotten that
he shouldn't be posting messages in this echo.

John Tserkezis - real name "John Smith", but had to change it because
everyone called him a liar.  To get his own back, he invented the most
difficult to spell surname in the world, which roughly translated from
Greek means "nyah nyah nyah".  Missing, status unknown.

Anthony May - Thinks that not having the ability to pay taxes is not
grounds for capital punishment.  Probably a communist when not
holidaying on the Gold Coast or trying to pick up women at Dominelli
Ford or Biggles Niteclub.  His main aim in life is to rid the world of
orange juice - by drinking it. 

John Georges - a scientist from the middle ages.  Has many theories about
what causes a message to be lost, most of which revolve around the
supernatural.  Comes and goes.

Nick Gibbs - most of his messages are about what sort of messages other
people post, and percentage breakdowns which add up to about 200%.  Ideal
AV_Tech material, and not necessarily a communist.

Dieter Mirbach - A really indecisive guy. Doesn't know whether to cheer
for the Wallabies or the All-Blacks. Doesn't know a good operating system
when he sees one and as a last resort will use MS DOS 1.00. Wants a new
motherboard for his PC but can't decide on what processor to use, so will
get an upgradeable type and be forever limited from that point on, or when
all else fails, starts using his antiquated TRS80.  The most frustrating
thing about this guy is that he doesn't ever seem to give anything away
that would pin him down as either a communist, possible communist, or
antichrist.

Russell Coker - If you need a definitive example of an OS/2 zealot without
resorting to reading the crap from people like Michael Chan and Joseph
McKinnon, then simply throw a few bones in Russell's direction.  Still not
sure whether this makes him a communist or not.

Chris Robinson - interests include computer hardware, women, immunology,
women, music, women, box stacking, women, home-brew ginger beer, defending
his women from the onslaught of young whippersnappers, and computer
software, in no particular order.  Ideal Aust_AVTech material.

Alexander Watson Law - produced the most significant document since the
Magna Carta.  Succinctly summed up the purpose of Av_Tech, and laid the
foundations of it.  Unfortunately no-one else in the echo even knows it
exists, which is just bloody typical when so many of the members are also
card-holding members of the loony left faction of the "We're all Loony
Lefty Stinking Bloody Communists and Some of us Even Believe in God too
Nyah Nyah Nyah" Party.  Not sure if promoting chaos or being discordian
makes him a communist or not, so needs to be watched carefully.

Haig Burnell - wins the "Flame on Entry" award of 1993, by simultaneously
spoiling Brenton's pants and ruining his keyboard, attempting to correct
Rod Speeds spelling, accusing him of being a Joh supporter , and
therefore introducing himself to the AVTech echo natives in no uncertain
terms, all in one comparatively short message.  Shows great potential.
Probably not a communist.

Bob Lawrence - Upon finding his eternal resting place here in AV_Tech, he
offloads his gun-toting ideas on the echo, but still bothers with the
futile task of trying to get Rod Speed to spell correctly - has
aspirations to become a resident AV_Tech Pedant, but isn't getting off to
a terribly good start in this regard.  Instead, he tried to use OS/2
despite the warnings from the natives, only to add insult to their injury
by reverting to using Windows as his "multitasker".  Lawrentian Logic
(otherwise known as Precision Bullshit) has been found to be harmful if
swallowed.

Phillip Dunne - only sane comment ever made was something about birthdays
either not being that common, falling on the same date, or happening in
the same classroom.  Come to think of it, that wasn't particularly sane
either.

Poe Lim - the only respectable inhabitant of the echo (in FidoGod terms),
that doesn't consider us all to be the scum of the earth.  Probably
wouldn't be respected so much if they knew he ate cats.  Would probably
get more respect from the peasants if he admitted to torturing the cats
before eating them, but one has to weigh this up against why you would
bother doing anything to get respect from the biggest bunch of loons this
side (ie the inside) of the loony bin.  Come to think of it, he spoils the
otherwise uninterrupted flow of complete disrespectability and should
probably be shot to avoid any further confusion about the purpose of this
echo.

Alan Whiteman - his biggest asset he has is that he is a communist.  His
second biggest asset is that he doesn't have any more assets like that.
Arguing with him is like arguing with a communist.  Definite communist
tendencies, should be shot before he gets a chance to vote again.
Temporarily and mysteriously missing.

Keith Richardson - His notable inability to bring himself to type upper
case characters has lead to some interesting speculation as to what sort
of equipment he uses to bring forth his dry but witty sense of humour upon
Aust_AVTech.  Suggestions so far have included a 101 keyboard with all
shift keys mysteriously removed, through to more extravagant explanations
regarding highly modified circa 1950s Teletype machines. The truth is yet
to be accurately ascertained, though he does not appear to be communist,
so there is some hope.

Ron T Lewis - When not EFFICIENTLY MTing without VM, MP or modern day
applications, his Amigan mind is busy finding ways to convince the natives
that he does not in fact not know the first thing about this stuff at all,
and instead resorts to claiming that the rest of us aren't sticking to the
rules that he set down in a message several months ago that no one else
can ever remember seeing.  A dog with his bone would do well to take
lessons from Ron before trying the real thing.

Denise Altoff (alias: Teddy) - A Fidonet old timer with her very own brand
of mailing software, but who only recently saw fit to grace us with her
presence.  She wins the award for the most number of messages a woman has
ever posted in here, probably only by default though.  But, with both a
husband, children and a "female friend" with which to test out the
"fishermans friend" theory of female orgasmic pleasures, there could be
some truly interesting conversations happening from now on.

Greig Sheridan - After previously being seen in other echos, he made a
startling revelation: he was a poof! (geeze, do these poofs think we're
dumb and didn't already know?)  However the ensuing threads about
antivilification and anal sex shortly reverted back to their more mundane
topics of baby micros, poofter bashing and just plain shooting the
fuckers.

Jeff Green - An unassuming fellow, and is so easy going that it's taken
him several months to have a real argument with Rod Speed.  At this rate,
it will take him another year to realize that there really is no point to
arguing with him, and that essentially he has been conned into
participating in a total and utter waste of time called AUST_AVTECH.

David Drummond - Despite the ear ring in the left ear, he assures us that
it's not a statement of his sexuality, but merely a reflection of his
sparkling personality.  A sharp and cunning tongue also comes with this
package, so beware.  Does not appear to be a communist.

david begley - One of the many many resident OS/2 Gurus, experts and
zealots.  Other interests include convincing Rod that Bill Gates is not a
'computer genius'.  He too will realize the truth eventually.

Tony Nugent - He's so terribly busy these days, that no one knows much
about him, except that whatever you do, DON'T EAT MARGARINE!  It's POISON!


==================

Any additions, libellious accusations, modifications will not 
only be tolerated, but actively encouraged.

 
___ Blue Wave/QWK v2.12
@EOT:

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