>   Lack of anything but total enmeshment doesn't seem to be
>>acceptable to them...and I take a lot of abuse because of it.  So
>I tend to think that, maybe, I shouldn't have anything to do with
>them.  But that doesn't feel like the right answer either.
  
   This may or may not help :-)  When I was new to the program I
did a lot of things that didn't feel like the right answer, just
because my sponsor told me to do these things, and I placed his
authority over my feelings of 'rightness' or 'wrongness'. Eventually
there was a time when I didn't do what he said, and in a very
strong way not doing what he told me didn't feel like the right
answer. Furthermore, I was surrounded by people who would tell me,
sure, I could go against my sponsor's advice, if I were willing
to suffer the consequences. But in retrospect it clearly was the
right thing to do - it provided growth that by definition I could
not have achieved by continuing to do as he told me.
   It also doesn't feel right to jump in front of a moving
automobile. Not only does it not feel right, I have good reason
to believe it will likely result in injury or death.
   So [the moral of this story is...], when something doesn't feel
like the right answer, the feeling may be an indication of a real
danger, or the feeling may be the result of 'programming'.
The bad feeling about jumping in front of cars is clearly related
to a real danger, but it's not nearly so clear what many of our
'doesn't feel like the right answer''s are related to.
 
   Quoting a paragraph out of order:
 
>I still find myself going "to the hardware store for milk".  And
>am repeatedly disappointed to find out they don't have, can't give
>me, what I need.   
 
   My experience at 'the hardware store" is that not only do they not
have milk, but also their hardware really sucks, and I can find what
I need elsewhere, AND at a much lower cost. I'm better off if I don't
even see or hear their ads (see example below).
 
>I *still* want to find it there.  A lack of acceptance, perhaps?
 
   There do appear to be some caring, loving people in the world.
My denial was believing that my parents might be or could be two
of those people (if only *I* did or said the right thing). I was
so reactive (Billy's word - an excellent description) to my parents
that I couldn't recognize caring, loving people, and such people
have good enough boundaries to avoid the reactive person I was.
 
>More will be revealed, I guess.
 
... But come on back! We DO have milk, and at the best price in town!
--- Opus-CBCS 1.14
---------------