I haven't been on-line as often as I have in the past.
It has been a really rough week emotionally, physically
and financially, but it has had its bright spots too.
I am almost out of pain meds again. It's a good thing
that with my doctor I don't have to worry about being
able to get them (except the financial cost) because
I have no reserve anymore. My pain level has been up
in the 8-10 level for the last few weeks.
I know some of that is stress. I noted to my therapist
that from the time I get to the office and for the rest
of the day my pain level in my back increases.  Well..
at least I know that pain will be eliminated some day
when I can work through all this stuff.  Thankfully I
have a friend that I can borrow the money from until
Friday. I am supposed to be babysitting for a few hours
on Tuesday and Thursday so that will cover the cost.
I've been stressed and so have used my crafts a lot in
coping with it.  I've been coloring a lot of cards. I
had stamped way ahead when I felt like it so I have a lot
I can simply sit and color.  I also have buttons that I
can go through as well.  Having these in reserve has
helped in dealing with all of this.
I'm hoping that when I feel a little better I can begin
to make some of the gift bags I want to sell in the fall
with the paint and sponges.
Therapy continues on. More guilt and anger to deal with.
My nephew has been in the state hospital because of anger
issues and being a danger to others. He is in an anger
management program and it was felt that this was much better
than ending up in prison as he got older.
Anyway, I find myself feeling guilty.  Didn't realize what
it was about until I talked to Steve about my anger in
getting a letter from my nephew asking for more stationary.
I had just given him at least 60-70 sheets with that many
envelopes a couple of months ago.  Steve felt that my anger
was way out of proportion and that there was other stuff
going on.  He was right (as usual in regards to the anger
issues).  In talking about it I realized that I still blame
myself for all the abuse growing up and all the incest and
my brother and sister's involvement.  That if it hadn't
happened my brother would have been a better parent and so
wouldn't have had kids with problems and that my sister would
be dealing with things better and her kids wouldn't be hurting
either. I realize that I hold no responsibility for this, but
the feelings are there.  In being aware of the feelings than
I can begin to change the self-talk. But there are times
that I believe that it will never change.
I had a lot of bad dreams last night. I would have thought
I would have slept the night through since I had been up all
the previous night because of pain and being unable to
sleep.  But I woke up every couple of hours.  Most of them
were bad dreams and I am trying not to think about it.  But
there was one dream that I woke up with the thought going
over and over in my head "you are cared about" and that
is the dream that I am holding on to.
I've recovered from the sun and heat problems. I am finally
not itching any more and am off the prednisone.  It was hard
when the kids were painting butterflys on Friday because
I really wanted to be out and helping, but I took the wiser
course.  The kids are having fun and doing a great job on
the car. I've gotten lots of compliments and it makes me
feel happy even when I am blue.  :-)
The air conditioner has been helpful. Not that it has been
that hot yet, but I have run the fan since I put most of
my fans up.  With a serial rapist that has been reported on
the news (he got in to an apartment through an unlocked
window) I'm really glad for the air conditioner since in
previous summers my windows were always open at night!  It
brings a little more peace of mind.
I went with the girls who help me (ages 13 and 14) to Lloyd
Center, a local mall, on Friday.  We had a good time. We
were getting paint for a sun catcher I had bought previously
that Laura was going to paint (thankfully the paint was
inexpensive at Toys R Us), and I gave them a choice of where
we were going.  Then we simply window shopped.  I had
a great time and the girls did too.  I also bought a new
journal that I needed since I have been filling them so 
quickly, although I haven't written much the last few weeks.
I'll soon have to get motivated enough to work on Our JOurney
(the September issues), but I've given myself the space not
to do that.
The dentist appointment went really well. I took the Xanax
and so didn't have the major panic attacks to deal with.
Now I don't have another appointment for a few weeks. (We're
getting the work done a little at a time.)
Guess that is all the latest. I'm glad that I know I can post
here when things get stressful.
Wendy
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... We can handle anything, with a little help from our friends.
___ Blue Wave/QWK v2.12
--- Maximus 3.01
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