From: Rai A
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The Killing of Santa Claus


Your Honour, members of the Court, and the jury ƒþ"

Before I begin my statement, IƒþTMd like to repeat the ProsecutionƒþTMs
case against my client, so that we can examine it in detail.

The Prosecution claims, and says it can prove, that at approximately
midnight on 24/25 December of this year, my client murdered the man
popularly known as Santa Claus, by means of firing at him with a shotgun.

Now, my client admits quite openly that he did, in fact, shoot and dispatch
the said individual, but will plead strong mitigating circumstances.

First, let us examine the character of the alleged victim. Look here, at
this picture of Santa Claus. Look at that obscene obesity, those piggy
little eyes and that dirty beard. Does he not look like a jihad warrior,
with that beard? Might he not be a closet Taliban or Al Qaeda? Is he not at
least a shifty character? Would you trust your children with him for one
moment?

And here you see Exhibit Number Two, this picture of this Santa actually
settling children on his knee and petting them. Can you see the depravity
in his eyes? Do you think this paedophilic, drooling monster should have
been allowed to go around at large? And do you think his exhortations to
everyone to spend, spend, spend is something that is healthy for any sane
society?

Lest we forget, let us look at the profession of this man. Quite without
legal documentation, filed flight plans or any kind of permission, he flew
every year around the world, crossing national borders and going where he
pleased. Can any even rudimentary understanding of national security
tolerate this kind of behaviour? How do we know he wasnƒþTMt acting as a
spy, or a drug courier, or as a terrorist? Can we be sure of his innocence?
No!

While we are on the subject, let us examine Exhibit Three, a picture of his
transport. See how emaciated and on the verge of complete collapse those
poor reindeer look. This vile man had even painted the nose of the leader
luminous red for some perverted purpose of his own, and the poor creature
seems half-poisoned by the chemicals. Had Santa ever procured a licence
from any animal welfare authority allowing him to keep these reindeer, let
alone work them so cruelly? Had he even had a veterinarian take a look at
the animals to make sure they are capable of performing the job he imposed
on them? No, your honour and members of the jury, and no.

Then, as the Prosecution admits, Santa Claus was found dead inside my
clientƒþTMs home. This is most important, ladies and gentlemen. IƒþTMll
read out my clientƒþTMs statement to the police at the time:

ƒþoeYou know that this man is supposed to come down the chimney. Come and
have a look. Do you see a chimney in my house? No? Well, then, how do you
think he got in then? Breaking and entering, thatƒþTMs what. Do you see
that whacking great hole in the roof the obese bugger made? WhoƒþTMs going
to pay for that, do you think?ƒþþ

There you have it, your honour, and ladies and gentlemen of the jury. This
Santa Claus effected an illegal and violent entry into my clientƒþTMs home,
and he acted as a common citizen defending his property when he fetched his
shotgun and told Santa to put his hands up.

But did this man put his hands up? Oh no. Instead, he began pulling out
something from his bag. Now, if you find a fat paedophile and animal
abuser, who's probably a Taliban member as well, breaking into your home at
midnight, and ask him to put his hands up, and instead he tries to pull
something out of a bag, what would your natural reaction be? Would you not
feel yourself threatened? Well?

Your Honour and members of the jury. I must commend my clientƒþTMs patience
and forbearance. In his shoes, we would certainly have opened fire right
then, and felt completely justified in doing so. However, he didnƒþTMt
shoot Santa then. He was still exercising rigid self-control.

So, when did that self-control break? At that point in the proceedings, his
girlfriend entered the room, and Santa said something to her that broke my
clientƒþTMs iron self-control.

Your Honour, and members of the jury, I ask you: how could my client be
expected to hold back any further when this threatening, obese,
animal-abusing, paedophilic, terrorist-sympathising drug smuggler cum spy
called his girlfriend a Ho, Ho, Ho?^A  

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Sometimes you have to go out on a limb to turn over a new leaf

Don't trust his words, trust his actions.



      

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