From: Rai A
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      Two elderly couples were enjoying friendly conversation when one of
the men asked the other," Fred, how was the memory clinic you went to
last month?" "Outstanding," Fred replied. "They taught
us all the latest psychological techniques: visualization, association,
etc. It was great." "That's great! And what was the name of the
clinic?" Fred went blank. He thought and thought, but couldn't
remember. Then a smile broke across his face and he asked, "What do
you call that flower with the long stem and thorns?" 
"You mean a rose?" 
"Yes, that's it!" He turned to his wife, "Rose, what was the
name of that memory clinic?"



A cocky State Highways employee stopped at a farm and talked with an old
farmer. He told the farmer, "I need to inspect your farm for a
possible new road."

The old farmer said, "OK, but don't go in that field." The
Highways employee said, "I have the authority of the State Government
to go where I want. See this card? I am allowed to go wherever I wish on
farm land."

So the old farmer went about his farm chores.

Later, he heard loud screams and saw the State Highways employee running
for the fence and close behind was the farmer's prize bull. The bull was
madder than a nest full of hornets and the bull was gaining on the employee
at every step!!

The old farmer called out, "Show him your card!!"





USEFUL WORK PHRASES


_1. Thank you. We're all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view.
_2. The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist.
_3. I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce.
_4. Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental.
_5. I have plenty of talent and vision. I just don't care.
_6. I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid.
_7. What am I? Flypaper for freaks!?
_8. I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant.
_9. I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.
10. I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.
11. It's a thankless job, but I've got a lot of Karma to burn off.
12. Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial.
13. No, my powers can only be used for good.
14. How about never? Is never good for you?
15. I'm really easy to get along with once you people learn to worship me.
16. You sound reasonable. Time to up my medication.
17. I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter.
18. I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message . 
19. I don't work here. I'm a consultant.
20. Who me? I just wander from room to room.
21. My toys! My toys! I can't do this job without my toys!
22. It might look like I'm doing nothing, but at the cellular level I'm
really quite busy.
23. At least I have a positive attitude about my destructive habits.
24. You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.
25. I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
26. Someday, we'll look back on this, laugh nervously, and change the subject.




A guy was driving when a policeman pulled him over. He rolled down his
window and said to the officer, 
"Is there a problem, Officer?" 
"No problem at all. I just observed your safe driving and am pleased
to award you a $5,000 Safe Driver Award. Congratulations. What do you think
you're going to do with the money?" 
The driver thought for a minute and said, "Well, I guess I'll go get
that drivers' license." The lady sitting in the passenger seat said to
the policeman, "Oh, don't pay attention to him - he's a smart butt
when he's drunk and stoned." The guy from the back seat said, "I
TOLD you guys we wouldn't get far in a stolen car!" 
At that moment, there was a knock from the trunk and a muffled voice said,
"Are we over the border yet?"



Ol' Fred had been a faithful Christian and was in the hospital, near death.
The family called their preacher to stand with them.

As the preacher stood next to the bed, Ol' Fred's condition appeared to
deteriorate and he motioned frantically for something to write on.

The pastor lovingly handed him a pen and a piece of paper, and Ol' Fred
used his last bit of energy to scribble a note, then suddenly died.

The preacher thought it best not to look at the note at that time, so he
placed it in his jacket pocket.

At the funeral, as he was finishing the message, he realized that he was
wearing the same jacket that he was wearing when Ol' Fred died. He said,
"You know, Ol' Fred handed me a note just before he died. I haven't
looked at it, but knowing Fred, I'm sure there's a word of inspiration
there for us all."

He opened the note, and read, "Please step to your left -- you're
standing on my oxygen tube!"





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Sometimes you have to go out on a limb to turn over a new leaf

Don't trust his words, trust his actions.




      

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