People often comment disapprovingly that our daughter is
"stubborn"... whereupon I smile sweetly & tell them she
wouldn't be alive today if she wasn't. When I advise them *not* to get into
a battle of wills with her, because they'll lose, they swear they wouldn't
think of doing such a thing.  Invariably they do, however... and then they
begin to understand what I mean!  But they don't always know what to do
instead, so I'll talk about that aspect here too....  :-)


          I've been reading a book by Gabor Mat‚ (more about him later) in
which the following remark caught my attention:  "When we consider the
word _lazy_, we realize that it does not explain anything.  It is only a
negative judgement made about another person who is unwilling to do what we
want them to do."  I believe the same principle applies equally well
to other adjectives, such as _stubborn_. And although the author was
referring to children with a medical diagnosis which is quite different
from that of our daughter, I understand more clearly now what was going on
in the personal anecdote I'm about to relate.


          When Nora was in grade two, we had an unusually cold winter. 
Somebody from the school board office issued a directive that all students
be required to wear coats or jackets before going outside.  At the end of
one school day, after trying for over half an hour to get Nora to put on
her jacket, the teacher asked Dallas & me to make her do it.  We
refused... and the teacher was not happy with us.  The solution, however,
was ridiculously simple.  We accompanied Nora to the door which led
outside.  As soon as she felt the cold air she said she wanted to wear her
jacket.  No muss... no fuss... no power struggles.  All that was needed was
the concrete experience from which Nora could arrive at her own
conclusions.


          With some added insight from Dr. Mat‚, here's how I see the situation:

 1)  Focus on long term goals
          IMHO my duty as a parent is to work myself out of a job.  I won't be
          around forever to tell Nora what to do... and I believe she is quite
          capable of deciding for herself what to wear.  She's been doing that
          since she was three years old.  She was on chemotherapy which raises
          the body temperature.  I've never experienced it myself, so I did as
          we did at school... I escorted her to the door & let her decide.  It
          isn't always practical for others to do the same, of course.  But it
          might also be rather difficult, from the viewpoint of a young child,
          to understand why anybody would insist she wear outdoor clothing for
          the long walk downstairs & through the basement inside the building.
          Nora knows now what the numbers on the thermometer mean.  She didn't
          then... and she didn't learn it from blind obedience to adult logic.

 2)  Deal with your own anxieties first
          I don't know who issued the above decree, and I don't care what this
          person thinks of me or my parenting style.  I'm not worried that our
          daughter will regard me as a wimp if I show some empathy and/or make
          certain compromises.  I don't believe there is any serious danger of
          suffering from exposure in this climate, during daylight hours, in a
          half-hour walk between school & home.  I'm operating from a position
          of strength... not of weakness.  The less anxious the parent is, the
          less likely the child will see a need to oppose the parent's wishes.
          Why do kids misbehave when you're trying to impress Mrs. Grundy??  I
          think they sense it has to do with her, not with them & their needs.

 3)  Pick your issues
          Here's something I learned as a teacher in secondary school.  I know
          many parents who have conniptions over the length of Johnny's hair &
          other trivialities, yet don't seem to pay much attention to who he's
          with & what he's doing when he's out until 4:00 AM.  Some things are
          worth fighting over, others aren't.  It's difficult to be sure which
          is which sometimes.  But chances are the behaviour per se is not the
          real issue.  What's important is what the kid is acting out....  :-)




--- timEd/386 1.10.y2k+