Hi, James!  Awhile ago you wrote in a message to Ardith Hinton:

JB>  No matter how functional, or dysfunctional two people
JB>  are, and how right or wrong one is during a dispute,
JB>  how many times is a person likely to fess up to being
JB>  the idiot in a quarrel?


          Probably not many.  While I often see merit on both sides of a
dispute I imagine there may be a bit of idiocy on both sides too!  If
you're waiting for somebody else to apologize you may wait until hell
freezes because they're doing the same thing.  Apologies are risky, though.
 Sometimes they make it easier for others to acknowledge their own
mistakes... in which case your relationship with these individuals will be
stronger.  Sometimes they make it easier for others to hold onto feelings
of righteous indignation & moral superiority... in which case you may
rebel.  I think you're essentially on the right track if you do....  :-)



JB>  The heat of the moment is always going to find two
JB>  superior opinions of themselves, sans a rare person.
JB>  I guess because I am not that good at heated moments,
JB>  I try to time *myself* out, where I can take stock of
JB>  the situation and garner if I have a leg to stand on.


          Makes sense to me!  What people say in the heat of the moment
& forget about immediately afterwards can go on hurting for a long
time.  I believe we're on the same wave length in this regard.  Some folks
like to have an answer right away.  They tend to make "snap
judgements" where you might process the available information more
slowly, but take more details into account.  This difference in reasoning
styles, apparently, is the one most likely to lead to conflict between
individuals.  It may help if you can indicate you need more time to think
before others start feeling ignored.  But it may not be easy to do when
they're waiting impatiently for closure because that's what makes them feel
good, and escalating the assault of pejorative adjectives or what have you
in the meantime... (sigh).



JB>  Then I try to asses if a round-two is going to progress
JB>  to a solution, or add gas to a flame.


          Uh-huh.  "Least said, soonest mended," or... what??



JB>  To gauge how renewed correspondence might be interpreted
JB>  is the tricky part in my eyes, and the challenge to
JB>  interpersonal skills.


          Yes, that may be quite a challenge!  You're in double jeopardy
because so much depends on words.  You can't see the other person's facial
expressions & body language, or hear their tone of voice, and the same
applies in the opposite direction.  You don't know what sort of mood
they'll be in when they receive the message either.  You can make
adjustments on the phone or in person....  :-)



JB>  I suppose it boils down to cost/benefit.


          I suppose.  When your only contact is via FidoMail, however, it
may be particularly difficult to estimate the cost/benefit ratio of further
discussion. Some time ago we got a message in SURVIVOR from a new writer
claiming nobody had answered previous messages, we were a bunch of snobs,
etc.  I could have ignored her concerns on the grounds that she didn't
impress me as the type of person I'd want to know better, but I decided not
to.  I listed the replies we'd seen here, including my own, then told her
what I thought of her behaviour.  She became one of our most enthusiastic
participants shortly thereafter.  Okay... so what had I done right?? 
Perhaps I shocked her into changing mental gears by citing facts &
figures.  In any case, I think it's very important that I let her know we'd
been paying attention before tearing a strip off her.  She realized I
wouldn't bother writing a long diatribe in response if nobody, including
me, cared how she felt. Then she realized her SysOp had been deleting
messages after three days!  Others may react differently... but I was glad
I had taken the risk with this gal.  :-)



JB>  Unlike Nash, I still have faith in a win-win situation. The
JB>  tricky part is finding others who believe it is possible.


          Yes.  Okay, so I'm a cockeyed optimist.  Count me in....  ;-)




--- timEd/386 1.10.y2k+