>>> Part 1 of 2...
-=> On 03-27-98  09:13, Tom Enright did testify and affirm <=-
-=> to Janada Oakley concerning [1/2] Da Rules <=-
 TE> RULES IN THE SOUTH
 TE> 1. Save all manner of bacon grease. You will be instructed
 TE> later how to use it. 
It's cheaper than expensive body oils.
 TE> 2. If you forget a Southerner's name, refer to him (or her)
 TE> as "Bubba".  You have a 75% chance of being right. 
And a 67% chance of encountering a non-random beer bottle.
 TE> 3. Just because you can['t] drive on snow and ice does not
 TE> mean we can stay home the two days of the year it snows. 
They only stay home after buying all milk, bread and eggs
in a 50 mile radius. 
 TE> 4. If you do run your car into a ditch, don't panic. Four
 TE> men in the cab of a four wheel drive with a 12-pack of beer
 TE> and a tow chain will be along shortly. Don't try to help
 TE> them. Just stay out of their way. This is what they live
 TE> for. 
"Deliverance" on ice. Right.
 TE> 5. Don't be surprised to find movie rentals and bait in the
 TE> same store. 
You've never used "Love Story" as bait? It's cheaper than
candy or liquor.
 TE> 6. Do not buy food at the movie store.
Only offered north of the Mason-Dixon Line.
 TE> 7. If it can't be fried in bacon grease, it ain't worth
 TE> cooking, let alone eating. 
See #1.
 TE> 8. Remember: "Y'all" is singular. "All y'all" is plural.
 TE> "All y'all's" is plural possessive. 
And my "y'all" has a distinctive fore and aft rig.
 TE> 9. There is nothing sillier than a Northerner imitating a
 TE> southern accent, unless it is a southerner imitating a
 TE> Boston accent. 
Or an Okie pretending to be a Texan.
 TE> 10. Get used to hearing, "You ain't from around here, are
 TE> you?"
It's "heah", not "here".
 TE> 11. People walk slower here.
It's not necessary to outrun muggers down here.
 TE> 12. Don't be worried that you don't understand anyone. They
 TE> don't understand you either. 
But there's more of them than there are of you.
 TE> 13. The first Southern expression to creep into a
 TE> transplanted Northerner's vocabulary is the adjective "Big
 TE> ol'", as in "big ol' truck" or "big ol' boy". Eighty-five
 TE> percent begin their new Southern influenced dialect with
 TE> this expression.  One hundred percent are in denial about
 TE> it. 
Nah. The progression is "how-do-you-do" -> "howdy" ->
"hidee". 
 TE> 14. The proper pronunciation you learned in school is no
 TE> longer proper. 
Sure it is... as long as you don't mind being shot at as a
carpetbagger.
 TE> 15. Be advised: The "He needed killin'" defense is valid
 TE> here. 
As long as stuffs the corpse into the attached carpetbag,
yes. 
 TE> 16. If attending a funeral in the South, remember, we stay
 TE> until the last shovel of dirt is thrown on and the tent is
 TE> torn down. 
Well, that's obvious. After all, the front-end loader
driver can't give you a lift until he finishes.
 TE> 17. If you hear a Southerner exclaim, "Hey, y'all, watch
 TE> this!" stay out of his way. These are likely the last words
 TE> he will ever say. 
Particularly if chainsaws, bass boats or guns are involved.
 TE> 18. Most Southerners do not use turn signals, and they
 TE> ignore those who do. In fact, if you see a signal blinking
 TE> on a car with a southern license plate, you may rest
 TE> assured that it was on when the car was purchased. 
::sigh:: Another Northern misconception. When driving in
the left lane, the left blinker is left on and the right
blinker is left on while driving in the right line. Why?
That's because the blinkers aren't turn signals - they're
possum warning devices. 
 TE> 19. Northerners can be identified by the spit on the inside
 TE> of their car's windshield that comes from yelling at other
 TE> drivers. 
Wait 'til you come over a hill at 65mp [in a 65mph zone] to
find the lane blocked by traffic at a standstill, showing
respect for an oncoming funeral procession. 
 TE> 20. The winter wardrobe you always brought out in September
 TE> can wait until November. 
 >>> Continued to next message...
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