Ron Taylor wrote in a message to Tom Rightmer:
TR>Dad, hang in there, remember that you have a lot more power than you 
hink.
  >Make a list of the tools you have, positive and negative, and use them.
  >Thos
  >teenage boys get what they want when you get what you want. Be tough on 
he
  >hanging around the wrong crowd. Sit down and have a serious talk about 
hat
  >you want and what you are willing to do if they comply. Tell them also 
hat
  >you will do if they don't comply, and follow through. Never lie to them.
  >You
  >list of tools for a teenage boy can be very effective: 1) allowance; 2)
  >cafeteria meal-ticket, or money to eat away from school from time to time;
  >3
  >TELEPHONE!!! - the family phone or his own - with or without extra goodies
  >like call-conferencing; 4) Wal-Mart clothes, or an occasional Bugle-Boy; 
)
  >Nike or the $15 unknown shoes; 6) THE CAR!!!!!; 7) TELEVISION!!!!;
  >8)NINTENDO!!!!; 9)Friends over to the house; 10) Whatever it takes to be
  >cool.
 RT> Tom, I quoted verbatim the above paragraph because it should
 RT> be read by everyone with a teenager.
 RT> In raising three kids, I've tried to look "inside" the
 RT> situation and determine for myself what triggers good and
 RT> bad in them.  While studying my own children, I've made a
 RT> point to try and understand their peers also.  The two major
 RT> factors that I've noted that influence them are: 1) Money,
 RT> and 2) Mobility.   Too little or too much of either can be
 RT> detrimental.... too much being the worst.
 RT> Most young people are not emotionally equipped to handle
 RT> unlimited budgets, personal vehicles, and the freedom to use
 RT> them.
 RT> The problem is that in today's society with both parents
 RT> working, the affluence of modern times, and pressure to
 RT> "keep up with the Jones", many parents give their kids too
 RT> much.  Here in our little community, better than 50% of the
 RT> kids have their own car when they turn sixteen. To go along
 RT> with the car usually comes a credit card.  Then Mom and Dad
 RT> doesn't understand what they did wrong when little Johnny or
 RT> Susie ends up in the emergency room after a drunken party.
 RT> It is extremely difficult for a child to get involved in
 RT> drugs when he doesn't have the money to buy.  Not saying
 RT> that a child shouldn't have an allowance, but it should be
 RT> reasonable.  Most important, a parent MUST know what Jr.
 RT> does with it!!!  This now extends to my two teenagers who
 RT> both have jobs.  They have to account for how they spend
 RT> their earnings.
This is about the only spot where I disagree with you.
If yo constantly monitor the child's spending, they will find it harder to do 
it on their own later when they are out on their own.
The child has to learn how to handle their money by themselves.
There IS a difference between an allowance and self earnings.
I feel that if he kid has the drive to go out and get a job, he has earned 
the right to spend the money any way he wants.
If he goes out and blows it, he will shortly realize that he has nothing left 
when he wants to buy something.
My younger son was that way.
The day before he turned 16, he put in two applications for part time jobs.
The next day, he got his "working papers", and the following day he started a 
part time job.
He worked 8 hours a week.
He also pissed away his first 3 paychecks.
Then, he sat down and decided that he wanted to buy a car when he turned 17 
** that is the driving age in New Jersey **.
So, he started saving his money from the job.
It also helped that he worked other jobs also, mostly off the books, because 
one month before his 17th birthday, he bought a car fot $4000.00, and paid 
cash for it.
He also knew that he had to keep his grades up because if they fell, he would 
not be allowed to hold those jobs.
On the other hand, I know some kids who had all their spending habits closely 
monitored when they were teens and they are constantly broke now as adults 
because there is no one around to tell them what to do.
 RT> I've also found that the other amenities you mentioned are
 RT> great tools. BUT, you must mean it when you say, "If that
 RT> happens again, you lose your [fill in the blank]".  Kids
 RT> KNOW when you are bluffing. 
 RT> I've found that grades and extracurricular activities are
 RT> extremely important.  When a kid is busy making good grades,
 RT> playing sports, practicing music, learning martial arts, and
 RT> working, he doesn't have TIME for drugs and crime.  I insist
 RT> that both of my kids stay INVOLVED. And it isn't "all work
 RT> and no play".  They both have fun being teenagers, but if
 RT> grades drop, the amenities go away until the grades improve.
 RT>  Works every time.
Definately.
And if the kid is motivated sufficiently, the problem does not arise.
 RT> Lastly, a parent must stay informed.  To do so, he must also
 RT> be involved.  When my daughter developed a passion for
 RT> softball, I became a coach.  When it became evident that she
 RT> thought I was stifling her, I backed off and joined an adult
 RT> co-ed team, then went to school and became an umpire.  We
 RT> both enjoy the game immensely and get a great deal of
 RT> pleasure out of sharing our experiences.
 RT> My son's passion is motorcycles... so I bought TWO dirt
 RT> bikes.  He's a better rider than me, but I won't let HIM
 RT> hear me say that for a few more years :)
 RT> You are right on... keep telling people.
The one thing neither of you has mentioned is that you should make your kids 
realize that you will support them and back them up.
Make them understand that if they have a problem they can call on you for 
help.
Give them the ability to be able to talk to you.
If you reach the point where your 17 year old calls you from a party and says 
"Dad, I am at John's house and there is a party going on.
I had a drink and don't want to drive home.
Will you come and pick me up?", you have won the battle.
Of course, you should be strong enough to do so without preaching to your son 
about the evils of drinking and driving etc.
When my sons started going to parties, I told them both that if they had to 
to call me for a ride home, and not to get into a car with someone who had 
been drinking.
Both sons called me several times to come and get them.
I did, without lecturing them, and that problem went away.
And I never had to worry about either of them drinking and driving either.
Alan
Team OS/2,
Fidonet 1:107/101, ibmNET 40:4371/101, OS2NET 80:135/15
internet: alanrackmill@mindspring.com
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