I could certainly use some good thoughts - had a very codependent 
"friend" (or so I thought) from my Church put me in the middle of a 
very bad scene with another couple who are REAL friends, who are not 
only from my Church, but one is in Al-Anon with me and one is in S.I.A.
(Survivors of Incest Anonymous) with me.  It so happens this lovely 
couple is adopting a little girl.  This other so-called "friend" just 
brought her ex-husband's new girlfriend to Church with her, claiming 
she was interested in the Church.  To do this she left her son with a 
man who was a perpetrator of sexual abuse on the child when he was 
younger and who is a psychotic, who has had violent episodes WHICH I 
HAVE PERSONALLY SEEN.  (the violent episodes - I've seen one)
It turned out the woman was not investigating out Church, but was the 
real mother of the child my true friends are adopting.  I am so 
grateful that the other couple and I are all in 12 step programs 
because we were able to talk about this.  In doing so I learned that it
was NOT a coincidence as the child's birth-mother had brought with her 
a bag of items to give to the child.  So I was set up and you can 
believe I am really VERY upset about all this.   I have let the woman 
who is trying to adopt this child, with her husband, know I did not 
know who this woman was.  I also let the so-called "friend" who brought
her KNOW I did not appreciate this - to put it mildly - and that IF I 
ever do give her a ride to Church again, it will be her and her own 
children ONLY - NO guests whatsoever.  I also told her if it comes out 
to the State agencies that she left her son with the man who had abused
him, I don't want to here her whine when they take HER kids away from 
her. (I can't believe she could do this and believe a 13 year old child
is old enough to defend himself from a full grown adult LARGE male.)
But I told her point blank that I didn't know if my husband would be 
willing to give them a ride even under those terms.  After all, it IS 
his car and he is the driver.  Also he wasn't very happy either.
I guess this is setting boundaries - which the woman who set me up just
doesn't have - and I've become very good at it, thanks to Al-Anon.
I just get sick of having to do it.  I guess I had hoped that now that 
I wasn't living with any active alcoholics and drug addicts that I had 
put all of this sort of problem behind me.  Oh well!  I guess that just
isn't the real world.
I know what Al-Anon would say to me on this.  They would tell me to 
detach with compassion.  I believe I am doing this because, having 
given up 2 sons for adoption to protect them from their father (my 
first ex-husband), I do know how the birth-mother of the child feels - 
it is pretty awful to lose your kids.  But I also know I had to accept 
the awful feelings and take some responsibility.  Al-Anon would say 
don't accept unacceptable behavior.  I believe I am doing this by 
confronting the woman who set it up and setting some clear, strong and 
distinct boundaries in no uncertain terms.  I also know Al-Anon would 
call upon me to see the woman who set me up as sick, which I can 
because I know she is a survivor of incest and a codependent who is not
Y.E.T. in recovery - Y.E.T. meaning You're (her in this case) Eligible 
Too.  I also can see the birth-mother of the child as pretty messed up 
since she herself seems to me to be acting pretty childish by her own 
behavior now.
So what I'd be interesting in knowing, specifically, is how Coda would 
reflect on this case.  Would a CODA sponsor respond differently or say 
something more that might be helpful to me here?  I'd really like to 
know as I could use any additional insight on this circumstance that I 
could get.
I might add that I guess I may have had unrealistic expectations that 
the woman who "set me up" would behave in a different way seeing that 
she has a history of four or more codependent unhealthy marriages - 
even more than I do - and several other extremely codependent sexual 
and romantic relationships with men she didn't marry.  Perhaps as many 
as 14-20 men have been in and out of her life.  I suspect it was 
unrealistic of me to buy into her self-deception and denial when she 
told me how she was trying to straighten out her life and stay away 
from problem men without Al-Anon, Nar-Anon, or CODA - or anything else 
besides just going to our Church once a week.
I've been there, tried to do it on my own - it didn't work for me, so 
why I listened to this and nodded my head yes, I don't understand.  
It's probably part of the willingness many of us share in this society 
to not "rock the boat" at all.
I knew it wouldn't work - consciously - but I didn't say anything.  I 
probably also didn't say anything because she did not ASK for help or 
ASK for my opinion.  So it was, to my way of thinking, none of my 
business.
How would Coda respond to all this?  
The biggest problem is how I feel of course.  I know intellectually 
that I am doing the right thing to stand up to this woman and set some 
boundaries; however, believe it or not, I still feel guilty - even with
years of trying to recover under my belt.
I would love YOUR (personal) feedback on this, from the Coda 
perspective.  I consider it an oppurtunity to learn from you about that
program - and I am very open to new perspectives at this time, since I 
no longer do live with any active alcoholics or addicts in my own home 
either.
--- TriToss (tm) Professional 10.0 - #66
---------------