re - with all the programs that are available out there and the subject
of balance - I think one reason a lot of people don't find recovery 
despite all the programs available out there is because some of these 
programs force us to further fragment ourselves.  We have to go one 
place to recover from codependency, another place to recover from 
alcoholism, another place to recover from drug addiction, etc. etc. 
etc. 
Personally I don't have enough days in the week to go to even just ONE 
meeting per week of all the programs that I could use if I actually got
honest with myself.  Maybe I am the only one, but I know that I am a 
mess.  I need a lot more help than I can get in such fragmentation and 
more and more I see myself pulling away from that approach.
TO ME the 12th step talks about practising these principles - the 
principles of the 12 steps - in ALL our affairs and there has got to be
a way of doing this so that we become more WHOLE and not more 
fragmented. 
I joke around saying that I am going to start Ev.A.  - Everything 
Anonymous - so I can only go to a few meetings a week and have time for
a life WITH my recovery.  Bill W. talked about living life on life's 
terms, so I have a feeling he didn't mean that the 12 steps should be 
used the way they are now, so that there is a different "program" or 
FELLOWSHIP for each thing.  I have a feeling this is also the reason 
why steps 6 and 7 are worded as they are - so that we can have an 
oppurtunity to deal with problems other than alcohl within the 12 steps
of AA.  I wonder what BIll W. and Dr. Bob would say about AA members so
busy going to other recovery fellowships that we can only make one AA 
meeting every other week or so.
That's what I mean by balance - there has got to be a balance and a way
to LIVE through all this once I am sober, or I would hope so.  But I am
not seeing that in myself or anyone else I know and it is quite 
disturbing to me.  I don't have anyone to show me how they got there 
from here because I don't see folks who have done it.
All I know is right now I am really discouraged with the whole thing 
and I don't know where to turn.  I almost wonder if I don't need a 
vacation from all this INTENSITY and all this "working on myself" and 
issues and so on.
I am beginning to just want to focus on the hear and now, so I can deal
with the process of living.
And if we never get to that in recovery, then what's the point?  I 
don't see any right now, but I also know that the only way to find out 
is to stay sober and see.  But, to be honest with you, right now I 
don't want to.  That's okay too.  I've been here before and I am 
thankful that an old-timer, Eddie B here in Worcester MA, once told me 
that I don't have to drink even if I want to and he also taught me that
since it's the very first drink that triggers the physical compulsion, 
if I don't drink - even when I want to - I still won't get drunk, even 
though I wanted to.  So my life will go on in a decent manner in spite 
of me.  And something else this man impressed on me is that even if I 
can 't do that for myself, I can do it so that I won't put the people I
love through h*ll the way I used to.
Yes I know I am being negative tonight, but that is HONESTLY where I am
at - disgusted and discouraged.
--- TriToss (tm) Professional 10.0 - #66
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