A friend of mine gave me this. It's pretty funny.
1. CHAIRS & RUGS: if you have to throw up, get to a chair quickly. If you 
cannot manage in time, get to an oriental rug. If there is no oriental rug, 
shag is good.
2. DOORS: Do not allow closed doors in any room. To get a door opened, stand 
on hind legs and hammer with forepaws.  Once door is opened, it is not 
necessary to use it. After you have ordered an 'outside' door opened, stand 
halfway in and out and think about several things. This is particularly 
important during very cold weather, rain, snow, or mosquito season.
3. GUESTS: Quickly determine which guest hates cats the most. Sit on that 
lap. If you can arrange for a particularly bad 'tuna breath' so much the 
better.
-For sitting on laps or rubbing against trouser legs, select fabric color 
which contrasts well with your fur. For example: white-furred cats go to 
black-wool clothing. Note: velvet takes precedence over all other cloth
-For the guest who exclaims 'I love kitties!' -be aloof and disdain, apply 
claws to stockings or arms, or use a quick nip on the ankle.
- When walking among the dishes on the dinner table, be prepared to look 
surprised and then hurt when scolded. The idea is to force your humans to 
reveal that they tolerate this behavior when company is not there.
- Always accompany guests to the bathroom. It is not necessary to do 
anything; just sit there and stare.
4. WORK: If one of your humans is engaged in some close activity and the 
other is idle, stay with the busy one. This is called 'helping,' otherwise 
known as 'hampering.' Following are the rules for hampering:
-When supervising cooking, sit just behind the left heel of the cook. You 
cannot be seen and thereby stand a better chance of being stepped on, and 
then picked up and comforted.
-For telephone conversations, rub up against the phone (or at least the 
humans legs) and meow loudly and insessently, all the while pacing back and 
forth.
-For book readers, get in close under the chin, between eyes and book, unless 
you can lie across the book itself.
-For knitting projects or paperwork, lie on the work in the most appropriate 
manner so as to obscure as much of the work or at least the most important 
part. Pretend to doze, but every so oftern, reach out and slap the pencil or 
knitting needles. The worker may try to distract you. Ignore it. Remember, 
the alm is to hamper work.
5. PLAY: This is most important. Get enough sleep in the daytime so you are 
fresh for playing catch-the-mouse or king-of-the-hill on the human bed 
between 2:00 and 4:00 a.m.
Begin people training early. You will then have a smooth-running household. 
Humans need to know basic rules. They can be taught, if you start early and 
are consistent.
~Hope you like this,
~Georgie
--- Maximus 2.02
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