The MC&D Deli Menu (In alphabetical order, no less):

"Hanibal The Cannibal *Didn't* Eat Here."

The usual stuff:

Cat Haggis - Courtesy of the Motor Pool.
Chuck's Chili - Not eaten except as punishment.
FlipSide Frappe - What did you /think/ we did with the left-overs?
Haggis - We /DARE/ you!
Martin's MIL's Meatloaf - Another punishment dish.
Memphis BBQ - Hotter than .
Newbie Fish Fry - Remains of the Clueless.
Spoiled Kimchee - The Environmentally-Friendly Dispos-all(R) Replacement

Driveller's Delights(?):

_CLASSIC_ Black-Eyed-Susan Cook-ies - Rocky Road, with real rocks.
Debdyava's Disaster - The Jansens' revenge on the world.
Dreger Dervishes - Take 'em for a whirl and you'll get hurt.
Dripkin's--No, nobody wants to know...
Durfee's Donuts - Dunk 'em and you'll get slammed.
Edwards Eggplant - Purplest prose of them all.
Flip's Flop - Marshmallow souffle with cowchip topping.
Glodbreg Goulash - Kinda messy, but entertaining.
Holly's Hot-cakes - Jalapeno. They don't look hot until you eat one!
Hutto Hash - Steel chips and aluminum shavings in a slag sauce.
Kathi's Kielbasa - Made of cats that wouldn't sail. (/Meow!/)
Lennox Leftovers - Keep trying.  You'll get through them.  Maybe.
Liz' Lasagna - Hot and spicy little dish.
Little Debbies - Not your ordinary snack cake.
Michelle's Mushrooms - Poisonous if mis-handled.
Mike's Moose Meatloaf - The truckers wanted revenge.
Paul's Pumpernickel - This bread is short on a lot of things.
Phillips' Pickles - Not for the guys.  Trust me on this...
Pixel Pie - We couldn't find "four-and-twenty black-birds".
Scott's Spam Rings Puerto-Rican Style - Not even /I/ want to know.
Sullivan's Soufle - Not as bad as the Head Cheese.
Susan a-Pereira-tif - A little brandy, a little kaluha, a little WD40.

Noxious Newbie Noshes, and Apprentice Dwarf Appetizers:

BlackfordBarry Pie -  and anchovy Pizza.
Blue Berry Blintzes - Think about it...
Bonifati Bernaise -  substitute for application to Newbies.
Bullitt Broccoli - Maybe George Bush was right.
Calmes-amari - Not even a Squid could avoid this one.
Deepak Doritos - Just a bit dry, but have a bite.
Eryn Eclairs - Kind of woody tasting.
Foy Flapjacks - With or without SigLine Syrup.
Gothreau's Gorgonzola - Made with real Gorgons.
Johnson Jambalaya - "Not for a free trip to Destin."
Loin of Larinda - Lacking in taste.  We'll see.
Mann-icotti - Tries to be more than a wet noodle.
Mariacomet Morsels - Lacking in sophistication, but improving.
Miller's Mash - Uninspiring, at the moment.
Phil's Swill - 20,000,000 Ukrainnians can't be right...right?
Roast Biest - Birgie's walkin' home...again.
Bob Short Cake - That hideous fruitcake the Army finally rejected.
Sauer Kraut - Kimchee for wimps.
Stephanie's Stuff - Weak in flavor, but improving.
Titus Turnovers - Lacking in substance.
Tritium Sandwiches - The Northern Light Snack.
Vernon's Vidalia Onion Rings - Sold to Gnu Yawkahs who don't know better.
Warren Wash - Cleaner for the surviving dishes.

Entertainment - One Likely Story after another.
___________________________________________________________________________

FlipSide Medical Research and Cowchip Tossing Institute Services
(Inquire at the Deli):

12 Gauge Rock Salt Enema - Now that I have your attention...
Abuse - On the house. Via the P-6 Paddler or MMX Mangler. Your choice.
Assimilation - Doc Hutto wants /you/!  I'm very sorry.
 Anesthetic - For victims who have finally gotten a Clue Implant.
 Lamination - Assimilation for dyslexics.
Attitude Adjustment - Doc Edwards' cure for morons.
Big "Q" Clue Implant - Used if the first doesn't take.
Bobbitizing - For those who refuse to obey the Head Cheese.
Brainwashing - For dirty minds that are as clear as mud.
Clue Implant - Nurse Morris just /loves/ her work!
Complete Dismemberment - For those going to the Abbatoir and Snack Bar.
Complete Lobotomy/Cerebral Replacement - The final treatment for the Clueless.
Cranio-Rectal Inversion Correction - For those who've gotten a Clue.
Cranio-Rectal Inversion Restoration - For Dwarves who back-slide too often.
Echo Exit - Via the JoBob Morgan Memorial Privy And Escape Chute.
Edwards' Excruciating Emetic - Drano with kerosene and stale kale juice.
Ego Deflation - The Proprietor's Speciality.
Flaying Alive - Preparation for the Tannery.
Ingratiating Ingress - You'll find yourself trapped here forever and a day.
Long Distance Clue Implant - Via the Doc's Shotgun.
Last Chance Clue Implant - You /don't/ want one; trust me on this...
Newbie Target Marking - For the Apprentice Dwarves'  Accuracy checks.
Newbie Fish Oil - Lubricant for the Clue Implant, or .
Newbylard Purification - When you want something less nasty from the Abbatoir.
Oral Fistula Closure Skin Graft - For the excessively annoying.
Pigeon Training - When you need  on demand.
Psychiatric Treatment - We're not looking to cure you, just torment you.
Skin Thickening/Nerve Removal - For the easily annoyed.
Spur Extraction - For victims of Jan Phillips.
Tattooing - Identification for St. Brigit's Staff.  Scarlett Letters, Natch.
Whiplash Treatment - For those who have gotten on The Savage One's nerves.

All costs range from $12.75 to $12,750,000.  Whether you get treatment and
whether you pay Depends on how desperate you are, and how bored /we/ are.

Whatever you decide, you'll regret your visit.

Trust me on this...

"Sweeny" Todd Sullivan
Chief Surgeon, Chief of Faculty and Psychology, FlipSide Medical
Research, Teaching and Cow-Chip Tossing Institution
Chief Cook & Bottle Washer and Proprietor MC&D Deli
Chief Medical and Logistics Officer, 1275th Attack Dwarves OpFor Regiment

... Bart's Blackboard:  "Indian burns are not our cultural heritage."

--- Spot 1.3b Unregistered