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 Copied from HIGHER_POWER by Tim Dill (1:102/749.2)
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Resent 11-28...Higher power seems to have gone by the wayside....
On (24 Oct 95) Marge Clark wrote to Tim Dill...
 MC> I thought I heard Tim Dill (1:102/541.2) say: 
  MC> as Bobby used to say...  REL8!!!!!
  Oh, and I thought I was unique :-)
 MC> as a child, I was not ALLOWED several 'feelings'.anger being one of 'em.
 MC> it wasn't SAFE to...own it.   
 I was taught to blame others for my feelings and get back at them by being
 angry at them. The anger unfortunately turned inward causing major
 unexplained rages that "just blew up" outta nowhere. The bottom line
 is that there was never a "safe" way for me to relase anger.
  
 MC>so for most of my life I didn't allow myself to
 MC> feel  it...and feared it, dreadfully, both in myself and in others.  
 Ah there is the rub, a NORMAL human emotion that causes me untold problems
 the simple solution (not always easy) is not to pick up that club..
 I need to remind myself over and over again that I am not in charge
 here and that my higher powers (deeper powers 4 those inclined)
 are. 
 
 MC> because the only  thing I knew about it was that when and if it DID 
 MC> come out, it was totally and  completely out of control, and dangerous.  
 Let me tell you about an episode that you prolly aint heard about.
 
 I was oh, about 10/11 years old at the time and intensely angry that
 my grandma had died. I was in denial and shock over her death.
 I had been undergoing some heavy "belt therapy" by my dad at the 
 time because my behavior was out of control.. I was inattentive
 at school and he thought that a "little" discipline would help.
 Mrs. Wright my 5th grade school teacher threw a pencil at
 me while I was gazing out the window intensely saddened at
 my recent loss and I was just boiling inside..... I had
 no way to express my anger and loss without being bullied
 and being branded as a sissy so I kept it inside locked
 securely away. Until she threw that pencil.
 I remember picking up a desk over my head and throwing it at her.
 The next thing I remember is the principle dragging me from the room.
 That was one of my many rage black outs until I discovered 
 self medication via marijuana...
  
 MC> mine, as well as others'.
 You see that it was never safe to be around me unless I was too stoned
 to move...
 MC> never was able to teach my kids how to 'appropriately' deal with anger
 MC> or other 'unacceptable' emotions, 'cause I didn't know myself.   
 MC> So I managed to raise  two out of three who punched holes in walls, 
 MC> and broke their knuckles against  concrete.
 Done that twice, once when I was 16 when I got my first car ('68 Impala)
 was '77 when I got it and it caught fire.. I punched a tree broke
 my right hand at the 5th metacarpal.
 1978 I did not want to participate in gym class because the kids
 where raggin me for being too skinny (I had two classes that year
 to make up for the 1st time I broke my hand) the teacher was going
 to send me to the principals office so I punched the wall instead 
 of the teacher.. yeah broke it again in the same place..
 so I am in the same league as your kids.
 MC> learning that the FEELING is..okay..albeit real uncomfortable...and that
 MC> there  are ways to work of the ENERGY of the feeling that don't damage 
me 
 MC> or others.  
 Took me awhile to get to the core issues 4.5 years of recovery it took
 to really find out where this came from. It all began with the need
 to suppress the feelings and not express them when I was ooo 7/8ish
 being picked on by bullies and my dad at home. I never knew which
 was worse the trip home or having my ass kicked for having my ass
 kicked on the way home when I got there...
 MC> that was late and slow coming, and I'm still learning it.
 Same here..
 MC> thank you, Tim...for helping me, one more time, to see the similarities,
 MC> not the differences!
 So we are trodding the same path then eh?
 
  V
 )O( Bright Blessings
  |       Tim
... "Any damned fool can predict the past.  And most do." -- Niven
--- PPoint 1.92
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