To: Ivy
  Re:  Rules for Cats                                                   
 
Vince Vielhaber MUST live with (you;ll notice that I did NOT say "own") one
or more cats......
 
Rules for Cats
  
1.DOORS:  Do not allow closed doors in any room. To get door opened, stand
  on hind legs and hammer with forepaws. Once door is opened, it is not
  necessary to use it. After you have ordered an "outside" door opened,
  stand halfway in and out and think about several things. This is
  particularly important during very cold weather, rain, snow, or mosquito
  season. Swinging doors are to be avoided at all costs.
 
2.CHAIRS AND RUGS: If you have to throw up, get to a chair quickly. If you
  cannot manage in time, get to an Oriental rug. If there is no Oriental
  rug, shag is good. When  throwing up on the carpet, make sure you back up
  so that it is as long as the human's bare foot.
  
3.BATHROOMS: Always accompany guests to the bathroom. It is not necessary
  to do anything -- just sit and stare.
  
4.HAMPERING: If one of your humans is engaged in some close activity and
  the other is idle, stay with the busy one. This is called "helping,"
  otherwise known as "hampering." Following are the rules for "hampering":
  
a) When supervising cooking, sit just behind the left heel of the cook. You
   cannot be seen and thereby stand a better chance of being stepped on and
   then picked up and comforted.
b) For book readers, get in close under the  chin, between eyes and book,
   unless you can lie across the book itself.
c) For knitting projects or paperwork, lie on the work in the most
   appropriate manner so as to obscure as much of the work or at least the
   most important part. Pretend to doze, but every so often reach out and
   slap  the pencil or knitting needles. The worker may try to distract you;
   ignore it. Remember that the aim is to hamper work. Embroidery and
   needlepoint projects make great hammocks in spite of what the humans may
   tell you.
d)For people paying bills (monthly activity) or working on income taxes or
  Christmas cards (annual activity), keep in mind the aim is to hamper!
  First, sit on the paper being worked on. When dislodged, watch sadly from
  the side of the table. When activity proceeds nicely, roll around on the
  papers, scattering them to the best of your ability. After being removed
  for the second time, push pens, pencils, and erasers off the table, one
  at a time.
e) When a human is holding the newspaper in front of him/her, be sure to
   jump on the back of the paper. They love to jump.
  
5.WALKING: As often as possible, dart quickly and as close as possible in
  front of the human, especially: on  stairs, when they have something in
  their arms, in the dark, and when they first get up in the morning. This
  will help their coordination skills.
 
6.BEDTIME: Always sleep on the human at night so s/he cannot move around.
 
 
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