Sometimes life is harder than at others.
I think we all have experienced this, especially
dealing with the issues that many of us deal with.
I've been dealing with flashbacks and ptsd big time
the last few weeks. Have had some major memories
come back which have been pretty hard to deal with.
I count myself fortunate to have a competant 
therapist who is walking through this with me. I
understand now why he waited so long before being
more introspective and pushing me to go below the
surface to what was there. You talk about one thing
and pretty soon you have all sorts of associations
that go along with it...same thing that happens 
when I journal.  My therapist never once told me what
he suspected about my childhood given the patterns
we were working with, but when the memories finally
surfaced (I've been told because somewhere I feel 
safe enough for that to happen) I know that it is
something that he suspected all the time.
I haven't chosen to share specific memories with many at
all about this, but I thank God for my therapist. He told
me again Friday that this was really hard for him to
hear, but it made it all that much more understandable
the times I reacted totally out of porportion in anger
with him towards him forgetting or being late or something.
He told me when I asked that it was hard to hear because
he knows me and cares about me and it hurts to hear what
happened.
He also noted, after my session on Friday, that my dad
was not drunk all the time when stuff happened. I was
struggling so hard to get the memory out in words that I
hadn't even noticed that. But I know that with this stuff
in the open it will be helpful to deal with the behaviors.
An example is that I always had problems using the bathroom
when other's were around or when I was away from home. In
fact that is what started this entire series of memories
that just went on and on and on. I realized when I was at
the doctor's office (using the bathroom) that I was never
allowed to lock the bathroom door growing up and the
bathroom was not a safe place. So we're dealing with all
sorts of stuff.
Steve, my therapist, says that all of this stuff is why
I'm dealing with panic attacks and nausia and added pain
from the stress. I know that my dentist appointment on
Thursday is going to be another really hard one.  And
I know that my dad was never what a father should be.
He stopped by today to pick up some stuff and drop it off.
Because of Steve's concern, and mine, a friend told me
that she was going to come over and be here for me when
my dad stopped by. I basically stuffed everything for the
short time he was here, but it helped to have a friend
here who knew what was going on. Not to mention I knew
that it would kick in this evening.  It's not something
I feel I want to confront about. I just know that I'll
get through this and be able to move on.  But it's HELL
right now!!!
I had an incident with a friend, who blamed me basically
for not being able to read his mind. We've had this
problem before. We didn't talk for a year because he didn't
want to be accountable and I couldn't deal with him being
angry at me because he couldn't say no.  Well, for a year
or more now it's been fine. He says no when he doesn't have
time and I trust his yes'.  Now that has all changed 
and he doesn't understand it.
For me it has farther reaching effects and I'm working hard
at not globalizing the "all men are alike". I know that isn't
true. Until this happened I didn't realize how much I
had depended on him right now to simply be there. It's a hard
place to be. I may go into this more in the future, but right
now it is too close to the surface and I'm doing what I can
to manage safely. Steve says I'm doing amazingly well all
things considered, although I'll be glad when things ease up
some and I can go back to 2x a week appointments (and then
back to once a week), but I suspect it may be a little
while yet.
I'm glad that I have siblings who can cooberate some of the
stuff, although some of what I'm remembering now can't be.
It's a struggle.
I've used fidonet and my internet e-mail a lot to deal with
this.  
Thank you to those of you who have sent me buttons and other
little things in the mail as well as the notes. They have been
a life saver!
Anyway, life is tough, but I think we are getting to the
bottom and this is stuff I think I had to remember in order
to change some of the behaviors..to see why I do certain
things.
Wendy
@>-->---
... I need a hug from someone with "skin on".
___ Blue Wave/QWK v2.12
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