Hi Family
 
   I to would like to express my graditude for this group. What 
started out as just a idea 1 1/2 years ago is a big tool in not only 
my, but some many of your recoverys. I need to share about how these 
steps work for me, or at least share a little awakening I had 
yesterday.
 
   I went to pick up my snail mail yesterday, I was in real good 
space. I had just finished my first month as trusted servant to a 
group I thought would not except me, never mine let me hold thier 
money. I had paid all the expences and printed up and delivered the 
hard copy so all could check and see what had been done over the past 
month. I had addressed the group about a issue that many had "swept 
under the rug", that being that we had pretty much destroyed the rug 
in the hall we used with spilled coffee.
  
  In my mailbox was a letter that sent me right into badspace. I 
thought I was doing so good with my character defects, but here one 
was staring me in the face. You see there was one thing in the box, a 
bill. It was a bill from a local hospital, boom I was off " that no 
good SOB of a EX wife had taken my daughter to the doctor and didn't 
pay the copayment. I'd show her, I said to myself. Then I opened the 
letter, I was already in rage at her and hadsn't even seen the inside 
of it (talk about projection). It was for $107 and was addressed to 
me, off I go again, that @#%$ hospital I hadn't been there recently 
HOW DARE THEY send me a bill, I was full blown chess pounding rage at 
this point. I looked at the date 9/26...... oh ya I did have 
something done on that date at another location.
 
  I'm off again, this time it's the insurance company that's at 
fault, oh I'll show those people. I crumppeled the bill and threw it 
across the truck. I'd call them that's what I'd do , I'd tell them 
I'm coming down there and rip someone's head off. HOW DARE THEY 
charge me, I PAY GOOD MONEY. I saw myself climbing a billboard and 
throwing paint on a ad I had seen, talk about mental masterbation.
 
  I was in this rage for a good 20 minutes until I got home for 
lunch, with my insurance card in hand I call the 800#, oh great it's 
one of those if your calling about a bill push one, if your 
lefthanded push 3, we've all dealt with these great wonders. I 
finally get a human she's aked me my card # and phone # to make sure 
it's me. Now I'm on HOLD, but my rage has gone into a attack plan, oh 
ya, prove that they are wrong THEN jump all over them. That will do 
it, I'm on hold for 15 minutes and that grin is getting bigger by the 
second, I can't wait to give this anger to someone.
 
   Hello this is Heidi, how can I help you, "I'm on" my moment in the 
sun, "yes I have a bill here that's says I owe $107"  Let me access 
your file says Heidi, shit my anger goes down a notch, she's using a 
computer, seems to me, she addds that we never recieved that bill. 
I'll give you our address and send it to us and we'll take care of. 
 
    Now I'm sitting there with phone in hand I say "thank you" and 
hang up. Where did I go wrong? First I allowed my anger to get me, 
step 6, I guess I wasn't entirly willing to let that go. Step 7, 
short coming on that defect, I acted out, humm no humbely asking to 
be relived there.  I thought more about this, even if this bill had 
been from where my first thought came from, no copayment. Step 1 
tells me I'm powerless. Step 2, when insane I have a HP. Step 3 Turn 
it over.  Step 8, who was harmed? ME step 9, who do I owe amends? ME  
That's correct I harmed myself by allowing this rage to fester and 
not use the tools, how do I make amends?  I learn from this, I learn 
that these steps need to be applied "in all my affairs" not just in 
the area of my disease.
 
   As the day went on I realized that everything happens for a 
reason, this happened to remind me that I'm still human and still 
need to remember that only I'm responcible for my recovery, that 
means acting out weither it be with a dring or drug or defect. I'm 
the one who is in charge of the tool box. I can chose to open it and 
apply the tool that's needed, or pick it up and use it as a weapon.
 
  All in all I see the growth that come over me in recovery. I hope 
this letter makes some sence to you, if not, I at least needed to 
share about it.
 
 Yours in recovery
   Phil B
--- TriToss (tm) Professional 10.0 - #66
---------------