-=> Quoting Chris Gilliland to Regina Finan <=-
 RF> * Crossposted from: ECHO ATTENTION DEFICIT
 
 RF> I was just reading a book called How To Talk So Kids Can Learn by
 RF> Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish.  It talks about how we need to deal
 RF> with Childrens emotional afflictions before they can learn.  That we
 RF> things.  If you tell your child "Good Job", that still leaves room for
 RF> the child to cut herself down.  If you tell your child "I really like
 RF> the dinosaur you drew with the big trees and green grass", that focus'
 RF> on detail and doesn't leave room for her own criticism.
 CG> This is pretty interesting stuff!  The info'll, come in pretty handy
 CG> for a mom with a teen who's extremely self-critical!  :(
 
 I think you're right as teen-agers are very good at being self-critical.
 I thought the book was quite interesting, but it requires alot of work
 to change the way you do things and alot of patience as the changes does
 take time to work.
 RF> She talked
 RF> about labeling children my best writer and my best artist.  If you want
 RF> the Child who is a writer to draw a picture, she won't be motivated to
 RF> do so, because that is not her strong point and vise versa for the
 RF> artist. 
 CG> I read the above paragraph with great interest as I have 3 children,
 CG> too, and they are ALL quite different.  Each in their own way.  My
 CG> oldest has been labelled ADD by her school and I feel that what you
 CG> wrote about what she expects from herself, due to what she's heard
 CG> about herself, is SO true!  How sad that our self esteem only takes in
 CG> what it wants to, that being the negative, and leaves out the good.
 
 Well, lets face it, if an experience is strong enough and outstanding,
 such as fear, anger, sadness and disappointment you remember it.  Happy
 times are only remembered when they out number the bad times.  You can't
 not say your child is not ADD/ADHD, but you can refocus it, by not
 concentrating on it as a label.  If you handle your child by personality,
 and what they are all about, you are better off.  Instead many parents
 and teachers excuse the child's behavior with that label and the child
 has no motivation to change it.  This is what they percieve they are and
 what they continue to use for their behavior.  Not only do they follow
 that label, but they believe it is not changable.  That is the scary part.
 RF> and Jeremy who is not really affectionate put his head in my lap and
 RF> watch TV with me.  He was an absolute doll.  He had a fight with his
 RF> brother and by listening to both of their stories, not blaming either
 RF> one, and letting them both understand how the other one felt the fight
 RF> did not last.  They were good friends again and they came up with a
 RF> solution. 
 CG> It sounds to me as if there was a lesson in this for everyone!  :)
 Yes, Jeremy and I are becoming closer.  When he feels he needs nurturing,
 he shys away from his dad and becomes very close to me.  I have learned
 to do all disciplining away from anyone else......a very private matter.
 This way embarrasement does not add to the stress.  Also, I give him
 choices so that it moves him to go only one way........my way.  That may
 be a bit manipulative, but the fact of the matter is he needs to feel
 control.  So this way he makes the choices of whether to behave or not
 and he knows the consequences up front and he has the control.
 Regina
... Experience: What you get when you don't get what you want
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