RF> * Crossposted from: ECHO ATTENTION DEFICIT
 RF> I was just reading a book called How To Talk So Kids Can Learn by
 RF> Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish.  It talks about how we need to deal
 RF> with Childrens emotional afflictions before they can learn.  That we
 RF> need to let them know that we accept their feelings (right or wrong) so
 RF> we can help them cope or learn to change unacceptable behavior.  She
 RF> also talked about if we label our children such as ADHD, forgetful
 RF> (scatterbrain) that the child develops a stronger role to that label
 RF> and therefore is not motivated to change. If we make comments such as
 RF> "Don't forget your book", or "Did you forget your pencil again"; that
 RF> these comments reinforce the role and they can make themselves believe
 RF> they are scatterbrained (even though you did not say it).  It focuses
 RF> on ways of approching certain things, such as fighting and forgetting
 RF> things.  If you tell your child "Good Job", that still leaves room for
 RF> the child to cut herself down.  If you tell your child "I really like
 RF> the dinosaur you drew with the big trees and green grass", that focus'
 RF> on detail and doesn't leave room for her own criticism.
 This is pretty interesting stuff!  The info'll, come in pretty handy
 for a mom with a teen who's extremely self-critical!  :(
 
 RF> She talked
 RF> about labeling children my best writer and my best artist.  If you want
 RF> the Child who is a writer to draw a picture, she won't be motivated to
 RF> do so, because that is not her strong point and vise versa for the
 RF> artist. 
     
 RF> I thought it was an excellent book and I found it relates to my
 RF> children. Let me explain:  Sara is a perfectionist.  I pretty much have
 RF> labeled her that and she is also academically smart.  She has heard me
 RF> say that.  Now she get upset when she misses an answer.  She has put
 RF> herself in the role of expecting herself to do everything right the
 RF> first time.  This causes whining and frustrations when her expectations
 RF> fail.  Jonathon is forgetful and I always felt he needed me to help him
 RF> through everything.  Jonathon plays the role of being helpless and
 RF> worries so much about forgetting things that he does.  Jeremy is label
 RF> ADHD and that is why he throws temper-tatrums. I expect him to do all
 RF> the things ADHD children do, so he follows that role. Exactly at the
 RF> times I expect him too.  Of course, these children feel this is how
 RF> they are and are not motivated to change or believe it can be changed.
 RF> This book explains how to do that.  To show them they can change by
 RF> focusing on times they were not perfect and it was ok, when they were
 RF> not forgetful, or when they did not throw a temper-tatrum.  It tells
 RF> you how you can change their behavior by showing them they did it once.
 I read the above paragraph with great interest as I have 3 children,
 too, and they are ALL quite different.  Each in their own way.  My
 oldest has been labelled ADD by her school and I feel that what you
 wrote about what she expects from herself, due to what she's heard about
 herself, is SO true!  How sad that our self esteem only takes in what it
 wants to, that being the negative, and leaves out the good.
 
 RF> I thought you mite be interested in this as it has many references to
 RF> teacher and child, parent and child, and parent and teacher.  I now
 RF> understand why my children may be giving me attitudes that I thought my
 RF> comments did not reflect.  I also used it a couple of times yesterday
 RF> and Jeremy who is not really affectionate put his head in my lap and
 RF> watch TV with me.  He was an absolute doll.  He had a fight with his
 RF> brother and by listening to both of their stories, not blaming either
 RF> one, and letting them both understand how the other one felt the fight
 RF> did not last.  They were good friends again and they came up with a
 RF> solution. 
 It sounds to me as if there was a lesson in this for everyone!  :)
 
... Hint for Mom:  Pose good questions.
--- Blue Wave/RA v2.20 [NR]
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