*Schedule

One manager was bragging to another. "I have a great engineer working for
me. Last week I gave him a project and he stayed up for six straight days,
completed the circuit board design, finished the bill of materials and
wrote a thousand lines of firmware. The completed projected was on my desk
when I got to work on Monday morning." 

His friend asked "So how far ahead of schedule was he?" 
The manager said "Ahead of schedule? Who ever heard of an engineer doing
that?
 

*Impressions

Why did the battery-powered branding iron fail in the marketplace?

The calves weren't impressed by it.
 

*Sweet

What is cylindrical, sweet, brown, and has 10,000 ohms?
A chocolate-covered resistor.
 

*Capital Equipment

An engineer walks into his boss's office and says "I want enough money to
buy a new HP System Analyser.

His boss says "Why do you need a System Analyser?"
The engineer says "I don't, I just want that much money."
 

*Book

I gave my nephew a book for his birthday. He went crazy trying to find
where to put the batteries.


*Repair

A lady took her CD player into the repairman. "I am afraid you have a short
circuit," he told her.
She said "I don't care how much it costs, lengthen it."

 

*Job Requirements

To survive as a power supply designer you need just two things--a solid
technical foundation and CPR.

 

*Car battery

I took my car to my mechanic for a checkup. He told me that my battery
needs a new car.

 

*Constructive Criticism 

An engineer gets a call from his patent lawyer. "Good news," he
says. "RCA
just licensed your invention and left a check for a million dollars. Come
over and sign the deal and pick up the check." 

About two hours later the engineer finally shows up at the lawyer's office. 

"What kept you?" said the attorney. "On the way out I
decided to stop by
the Chief Engineer's office and tell him what I thought of his latest
circuit."

 

*Shuttle Delay

The space shuttle pilot and co-pilot are sitting atop the rocket waiting
for launch. Over the headphones they hear announced a ten minute delay.
"Oh, no," said the pilot. The co-pilot said "no big deal,
this happens all
the time." The pilot said, "No, look at the monitor, they're bringing in
jumper cables."


*Not Perfect

A solar panel installer was up on a roof, when out of the sky a bolt of
lightning strikes the roof, blowing him off the roof, across the street,
and through the neighbor's picture window. He gets off the floor, turns to
the startled family and says "that's the one thing I hate about this job."

 
*Tags attached to laboratory equipment in the hope that it will prevent it
from "walking off."

Danger: High Impedance

Warning: This device contains matter, which is known by the State of
California to cause warpage of space and time.

Warning: Operate only while wearing a lead apron.

Notice: You are free to borrow this spectrum analyzer as long as you return
it within 24 hours. And please let me know if you start itching or have
trouble focusing your eyes while in the 100 MHz to 2 GHz range.
--- Platinum Xpress/Win/WINServer v3.0pr5