MSGID: 1:229/452 1C19C99E
-=> Quoting Damon A. Getsman to Nancy Backus on 01-Aug-2015 12:47 <=-

Somehow got ahead of myself with the last message... out of sequence...
now going back to the older packets... ;)
 
 DAG> finally caught up.  I've been working on reducing any unnecessary
 DAG> spending as much as possible in order to be able to do this. Balancing
 DAG> future needs with present needs is always a little difficult for me in
 DAG> tight circumstances, though. 

Tight circumstances certainly complicate financial planning, make for a
lot more juggling... ;)

 NB>> Sounds to me as though perhaps you are expecting both too much of the
 NB>> library and too much trouble from the inner city... Starting small with
 NB>> the miniscule branch might not be the worst thing, and perhaps the inner
 NB>> city isn't quite as bad as you fear...?  Of course, true, I don't know
 NB>> the particulars of your town... but I do have some experience in
 NB>> actually living in the "bad part" of town, and finding it not as scary
 NB>> as purported...  :)
 DAG> Well okay I'm gonna go ahead and rephrase this in terms of my
 DAG> agoraphobia. When things aren't going the absolute best for me, I have
 DAG> some serious terms in going out into any place where I can't avoid
 DAG> other people, unless it's people that I already know well.  I'm trying
 DAG> not to just pull this out of my ass as an excuse; at times it can be an
 DAG> excuse, but lately I haven't been doing too well with the combination
 DAG> of that, being stuck in a quagmire that was making me unable to produce
 DAG> anything decently while work was paying me significantly per hour, then
 DAG> hours were cut, my money was lost, and a bit of self-esteem temporarily
 DAG> went out the window with all of that.  It's that kind of situation that
 DAG> makes my agoraphobic tendencies flare up.

Understood... not so much an excuse as an explanation....

 DAG> It gets bad enough so that I can't even go out for my daily run and
 DAG> do the things that I need to for personal maintenance and coping
 DAG> unless I do them early or late enough (and lately I haven't been
 DAG> able to do it late at all) to avoid almost all people along the way.

Becomes almost a Catch-22...  Another reason for somehow managing to get
that inner balance stabilized, so that circumstances don't knock you off
center so easily...

 DAG> It's not so much the 'bad part of town' aspect, it's simple
 DAG> population density.  I hate driving there, the bus to get there is hell
 DAG> for me if I don't have a couple of xanax under my tongue, and I know
 DAG> that place is beautiful and expansive, precisely what we're looking
 DAG> for, but I need to be able to deal with it first at this phase. 

So it's mostly the getting there, but also a little of the "new people
to deal with" that holds you back...?

 DAG> It sucks when I know that my own issues are holding back my son's
 DAG> abilities like this at times.  At least his ability to get out and
 DAG> socialize a little bit more.  That being said, with the fiscal
 DAG> situation getting back together, my coping mechanisms back in place,
 DAG> and the hours cap being restored (though only to halfway of the max
 DAG> that it'd gone to before), my esteem is rising a bit again towards the
 DAG> point where I might be able to consider this soon.
 DAG> If nothing else there's a knitting class that's free if you bring
 DAG> your own supplies at the library branch that we go to (miniscule) that
 DAG> I want to try out at some point even if I'm all agoraphobic just for
 DAG> more practice working through it.  Seems like a calm enough setting to
 DAG> start with. 

And learning to work through the agoraphobia is a very good exercise. :)  
The knitting could be useful, too... ;)   And having something to keep
your mind and fingers occupied can get the mind off the fears as well...

 NB>> As long as it's only temporary, it's best to not get too upset by it...
 NB>> and hopefully, it won't happen again....
 DAG> Finances are separate from our employer now.  I made sure of that. 
 DAG> I won't be losing money to something like this again.  Heh.

Good.  :)
 
 NB>>> For sure it gets easier when you have a more settled environment...
 NB>> True... there's training for yourself there, too... training yourself to
 NB>> keep your balance despite the vagaries of life... so as to be able to
 NB>> help him keep his balance...  :)
 DAG> I've got my balancing pole and I'm tryin' to use it.  ;)

Keep at it...  :)
 
 NB>> Hope things have gotten more back to normal by now...  :)
 DAG> It took awhile, but they're definitely doing better as of the last
 DAG> week. Hell, just yesterday I finally got through the quagmire on that
 DAG> coding project. I mean I've billed these guys for over a hundred hours
 DAG> on this stuff and they haven't been able to see any result at all. 
 DAG> Until yesterday.  I finally got it working.  That was the deepest delve
 DAG> I've gone into on this code so far and the fact that I got out
 DAG> successfully and with their feature implemented, even after so long,
 DAG> makes me feel great.  Plus now I know how everything is structured in
 DAG> there, so anything that I might have to do after this point is going
 DAG> to take a fraction of the time of this particular job.  God that had me
 DAG> feeling out, exposed, and like doom was coming for me for awhile.  I am
 DAG> definitely not secure in my feelings/experience as a developer yet.
 
Bravo on the accomplishment... :)  Keep that in mind to balance out the
insecurities that are sure to arise again...  :)  A few more triumphs
like that, and maybe you can dispel the naysayers in your mind...  :)

ttyl        neb

... For every action there is an equal and opposite criticism.

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