4.  A ROSE BY ANY OTHER NAME...
    by Jeff Elkins 
    Special to TLE

Shortly after President George W. Bush announced that Governor Tom Ridge
would be serving his Administration as leader of a nascent "Homeland
Security" agency, I wrote:

"It has an ominous sound, that name, almost Germanic. (I can't wait to
see the uniforms.)"

Now, almost a year later, Republican speechwriting maven Peggy Noonan
agrees and has started a campaign to change the name "Homeland
Security" to something more palatable, something that will not have
such a jarring effect on American ears.

Says Ms. Noonan: "The name Homeland Security grates on a lot of
people, understandably. Homeland isn't really an American word, it's not
something we used to say or say now. It has a vaguely Teutonic ring--Ve
must help ze Fuehrer protect ze Homeland!--and Republicans must always be
on guard against sounding Teutonic. "

Republicans must always be on guard against sounding like Nazis? Anyway,
some of the readers of her Wall Street Journal column have suggested:

* Department of Domestic Defense, or 3-D
* Department of Domestic Security, or DDS
* Department of Interior Security, DIS
* Department of Federal Safety, DFS
* Department of Civilian Security, DCS
* Mainland Defense, MD
* Department of Mainland Security, DMS
* Federal Security and Intelligence, FSI
* Department of American Protection, DAP
* Homefront Security, HS
* Department of Security, DS
* Civil Security, CS
* Department of Civil Defense, DCD

I wrote Ms. Noonan with a suggestion I had mentioned in another column. I
thought "Ministry of Love" was catchy, but unfortunately, it
didn't make the cut. True, it's not as original as 3-D or FSI, seeing how
the "Ministry of Love" was created 50 odd years ago by George
Orwell (for his little book 1984) but it does have the benefit of being
descriptive of the new department's functions if you are at all of a
literary bent.

Still, this renaming frenzy Ms. Noonan is attempting to jumpstart totally
misses the point.

No American citizens were involved in carrying out the 9/11 attacks, unless
you count the denizens of various federal agencies that were culpable in
allowing them to happen. A Department of Defense that does not defend,
Intelligence agencies that aren't intelligent, and an Immigration and
Naturalization service that freely allows the scum of the world unfettered
entry into our nation to eat our extorted taxes while they plot our death.
So why the rush to create an agency with the sole purpose of spying on
American citizens?

The answer is obvious to those who will use their eyes to see. The federal
behemoth is seizing this golden opportunity to stamp out any remnants of
freedom still extant and leave us with nothing but an illusion of our past
glory as a free republic. By its very nature, an empire must maintain
control over its subjects and keeping a sharp eye peeled for any internal
dissent is job number one.

Some won't open their eyes; they huddle in their expensive New York City
co-ops and bleat for "protection," while gulping down Cipro by
the handful in anticipation of an anthrax-drenched letter with their name
scrawled on the front.

They advocate tape-sealed "safe rooms" with dozens of gas masks
on hand (just in case neighbors drop in), and a veritable pharmacy of drugs
for any eventuality. And digital cameras, to take snapshots of anyone
suspicious; digital because quoting Ms. Noonan, "with a digital camera
you won't have to wait for the film to be developed, you can call 911 or
the FBI, tell them what you saw, and tell them you can download pictures of
it into your computer and shoot it to them right away."

They look for protection from foreign enemies and ignore the beast within the gates.

Yes, Ms. Noonan, the name "Homeland Security" grates on American
ears, but even worse, the very concept of a European-style ministry of the
interior, aka Gestapo, with domestic spying, internal passports and all the
other detritus of dictatorships that will accompany it, grate on the very
concept of America. A rose by any other name is still a rose, and fecal
material is still fecal material, even if you call it mayonnaise.

And whatever they end up calling it, this new agency is still just a big
stinky pile of...mayonnaise.

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