From: dmhills{at}attglobal.net (Don Hills)

In article , "Gary
Wiltshire"  wrote:
>Been awful QUIET here since the election.  Where is our UK contingent?

Waiting for you to get on with this:

 To the citizens of the United States of America :-

In the light of your failure to elect a proper President of the USA and
thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your
independence, effective today. Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II
will resume monarchial duties over all states, commonwealths and other
territories. Except Utah, which she does not fancy. Your new prime minister
(The Right Honourable Tony Blair, MP for the 97.85% of you who have until
now been unaware that there is a world outside your borders) will appoint a
minister for America without the need for further elections. Congress and
the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire will be circulated next year
to determine whether any of you noticed. To aid in the transition to a
British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate
effect:

1. You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English
Dictionary. Then look up "aluminium". Check the pronunciation
guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it.
The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'favour' and
'neighbour', skipping the letter 'U' is nothing more than laziness on your
part. Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half
the letters. You will end your love affair with the letter 'Z' (pronounced
'zed' not
'zee') and the suffix "ize" will be replaced by the suffix
"ise". You
will learn that the suffix 'burgh is pronounced 'burra' e.g. Edinburgh. You
are welcome to respell Pittsburgh as 'Pittsberg' if you can't cope with
correct pronunciation.


Generally, you should raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. Look up
"vocabulary". Using the same twenty seven words interspersed with
filler noises such as "like" and "you know" is an
unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. Look up
"interspersed". There will be no more 'bleeps' in the Jerry
Springer show. If you're not old enough to cope with bad language then you
shouldn't have chat shows. When you learn to develop your vocabulary then
you won't have to use bad language as often.


2. There is no such thing as "US English". We will let Microsoft
know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take
account of the reinstated letter 'u' and the elimination of
"-ize".


3. You should learn to distinguish the English and Australian accents. It
really isn't that hard. English accents are not limited to Cockney,
upper-class twit or Mancunian (Daphne in Frasier). You will also have to
learn how to understand regional accents - Scottish dramas such as
"Taggart" will no longer be broadcast with subtitles. While we're
talking about regions, you must learn that there is no such place as
Devonshire in England. The name of the county is "Devon". If you
persist in calling it Devonshire, all American States will become
"shires" e.g. Texasshire, Floridashire, Louisianashire.


4. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as the
good guys. Hollywood will be required to cast English actors to play
English characters. British sit-coms such as "Men Behaving Badly"
or "Red Dwarf" will not be re-cast and watered down for a
wishy-washy American audience who can't cope with the humour of occasional
political incorrectness.


5. You should relearn your original national anthem, "God Save The
Queen", but only after fully carrying out task 1. We would not want
you to get confused and give up half way through.


6. You should stop playing American "football". There is only one
kind of football. What you refer to as American "football" is not
a very good game.

The 2.15% of you who are aware that there is a world outside your borders
may have noticed that no one else plays "American" football. You
will no longer be allowed to play it, and should instead play proper
football.


Initially, it would be best if you played with the girls. It is a difficult
game. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby
(which is similar to American "football", but does not involve
stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour
like nancies). We are hoping to get together at least a US rugby sevens
side by 2005. You should stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to
host an event called the 'World Series' for a game which is not played
outside of America. Since only 2.15% of you are aware that there is a world
beyond your borders, your error is understandable. Instead of baseball, you
will be allowed to play a girls' game called "rounders" which is
baseball without fancy team strip, oversized gloves, collector cards or
hotdogs.


7. You should declare war on Quebec and France, using nuclear weapons if
they give you any merde. The 97.85% of you who were not aware that there is
a world outside your borders should count yourselves lucky. The Russians
have never been the bad guys. "Merde" is French for
"5hit". You will no longer be allowed to own or carry guns. You
will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous in public
than a vegetable peeler.

Because we don't believe you are sensible enough to handle potentially
dangerous items, you will require a permit if you wish to carry a vegetable
peeler in public.


8. July 4th is no longer a public holiday. November 2th will be a new
national holiday, but only in England. It will be called "Indecisive
Day".


9. All American cars are hereby banned. They are cr*p and it is for your
own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean.


All road intersections will be replaced with roundabouts. You will start
driving on the left with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go
metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables.


Roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.

10. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries
are not real chips. Fries aren't even French, they are Belgian though
97.85% of you (including the guy who discovered fries while in Europe) are
not aware of a country called Belgium. Those things you insist on calling
potato chips are properly called "crisps". Real chips are thick
cut and fried in animal fat. The traditional accompaniment to chips is beer
which should be served warm and flat. Waitresses will be trained to be more
aggressive with customers.


11. As a sign of penance 5 grams of sea salt per cup will be added to all
tea made within the Commonwealth of Massachusetts, this quantity to be
doubled for tea made within the city of Boston itself.


12. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually
beer at all, it is lager. From November 1st only proper British Bitter will
be referred to as "beer", and European brews of known and
accepted provenance will be referred to as "Lager".


The substances formerly known as "American Beer" will henceforth
be referred to as "Near-Frozen Knat's Urine", with the exception
of the product of the American Budweiser company whose product will be
referred to as "Weak Near-Frozen Knat's Urine". This will allow
true Budweiser (as manufactured for the last 1000 years in Pilsen, Czech
Republic) to be sold without risk of confusion.


13. From December 1st the UK will harmonise petrol (or "Gasoline"
as you will be permitted to keep calling it until April 1st 2005) prices
with the former USA. The UK will harmonise its prices to those of the
former USA and the Former USA will, in return, adopt UK petrol prices
(roughly
$6/US gallon - get used to it).


14. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers
or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows
that you're not adult enough to be independent. Guns should only be handled
by adults. If you're not adult enough to sort things out without suing
someone or speaking to a therapist then you're not grown up enough to
handle a gun.


15. Please tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us crazy.

16. Tax collectors from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly
to ensure the acquisition of all revenues due (backdated to 1776).


--
Don Hills    (dmhills at attglobaldotnet)     Wellington, New Zealand
It's ironic that people who are too smart to engage in politics are
governed by people who are not as smart.

--- BBBS/NT v4.01 Flag-5