* Crossposted from: Star Trek Talk (SN)
Here is a neat little summary... i thought it was funny.  :)
Well, save it, because it's funny!!
The Moron's Guide to Deep Space Nine
by Jeff Carpenter
Runabout47@aol.com 
Season One 
Emissary 
Sisko meets some groovy aliens. O'Brien finds a better parking space and 
the Prophets throw Dax back.
Pass The Captain's Log 
An avid Next Gen fan tries to cancel this show.
A Man Home Alone 
Odo threatens a man, but didn't mean it once the guy gets murdered. 
Babel
O'Brien starts speaking gibberish and no one notices. 
Trivial Pusuit 
O'Brien becomes a tour guide for "Lizard Boy."
Q, More Or Less 
Q is dumped by Vash who is in turn ditched by her treasure, a gigantic 
glowing fish. 
Dax 
Bashir gets beat up...something about Dax...and, um, Julian gets slamed 
into a wall! 
The Passenger 
A dead man uses Julian's body.
Just Go Home 
Sisko, Kira, Dax, and Bashir play a big game of Clue and get killed in 
the Conservatory with the candlestick. 
The Nagus 
The crew is worried when Ferengi start showing up on the station. 
Everyone is relieved, however, when it turns out they just want to kill 
Quark. 
Vortex 
Odo defies orders for a nice man with a necklace. 
Battlelines 
Kai Opaka decides she'd rather live with a bunch of dirty, sweaty guys. 
The Storyteller 
Colm Meany determines that Levar Burton's Reading Rainbow is more 
difficult than it looks. 
Progress 
Kira hangs out with a guy who hasn't had a date in 40 years. 
If Wishes Were Horses 
Everyone stays up a little too late at Quark's and start to see dead 
guys and elves around the station. 
The Forsaken 
DS9 is disabled by a screen saver. 
Dramatis Personae 
Odo must convince the crew that he's the only sane individual by getting 
everyone into the cargo bay...and blowing the atmosphere out. 
Duet 
A Cardassian named Aw-Man Martzipan tries to get arrested because he 
feels guilty about an un-paid library fine. 
Let The Prophets Deal With It 
Vedek Winn tells Keiko to stop messing with the children's minds. 
Season Two 
The Homecoming Dance 
Li Nalas, a Bajoran hero, is rescued, but he just wants to go to sleep. 
The Circle 
Starfleet command figures out that Sisko isn't really doing anything 
important and calls him home. 
The Siege 
Sisko spends the entire epidode crawling around conduits, so Li Nalas 
must sacrafice his life to fulfil the action quota. 
Invasive Procedures 
A Trill almost kills Jadzia by stealing the Dax symbiont, who couldn't 
care less. 
Cardassians 
I never saw this one and I don't feel like looking it up. So, HA! 
Melora 
Julian feels a common bond with a woman who can't get up to do anything 
useful. 
Rules Of Acquisition 
Qurak is upset when he falls in love with a woman. 
Really Necessary Evil 
It seems that Odo got his job by messing up. 
Second Blight 
Sisko goes on a date with a married woman's mental disorder. 
Sanctuary 
The Skrreeans try to visit Bajor, but all the hotels are full because of 
the "Babylon 5" convention. 
Rivals 
Dax discovers the "little spinning things" that O'Brien said messed up 
his raquetball game. 
The Alternate 
Odo breathes in some fumes, goes crazy and attacks everyone. By the end 
of the episode, he "got better." 
Armageddon Game 
Keiko saves Bashir and her husband by mistake. 
Whispers 
Keiko decides her mail order husband isn't as good as the original. 
Paradise Lost 
Sisko gets left in a box while O'Brien takes his uniform off in the 
woods. 
Shadowplay 
Dax turns on a whole bunch of guys with the flip of a switch. 
Playing God 
Sisko is bothered by the universe of the little people. 
Profit And Loss 
This one was some sort of big political mess. You can try and figure it 
out if you really want to! 
Blood Oath 
Dax takes on the mob with the help of some Klingons. 
The Maquis, Part I 
A bunch of disgruntled colonists decide that the best way to get back at 
the world is to create a background story for Voyager. 
The Maquis, Part II 
Dukat gets kidnapped and, strangly enough, rescued. Meanwhile, Sisko 
takes his friend's clothes back to him and finds out that they can't be 
friends anymore. 
The Wire 
A day in the life of Garek. 
Popover 
Kira finds a universe where she can really have some fun! 
The Collaborator 
Kira has some, um, interesting dreams about Bareil. 
Tribunal 
O'Brien is arrested and put in a little room where nothing happening for 
hours on end. For some reason, this does not affect the former 
transporter chief. 
The Jem'Haddar And Other Strange Tales 
The Jem'Haddar threaten Starfleet so they send Captain Putz and the 
Odyssey who shows them who's boss by getting blown-up. 
Season Three 
The Search For Lurch, Part I 
The Defiant makes it's debut! (Enough said) Odo finds out he's from the 
"Great Jello-O Link." 
The Search For Higher Pay, Part II 
The whole gang decides to blow their career! 
The House Of Quark 
Quark kills a Klingon and finds out that it's harder than it looks to 
get a good book deal. 
Equilibrium 
Dax is haunted by a past life after Shirley MacLain visits. 
Second Skin 
Kira finds out what it's like to have a make-up call three hours 
earlier. 
The Abandoned 
Odo rooms with a moody, drug addict, killer just so he can show off his 
room. 
Civil Defense 
The station decides it doesn't really need all those officers anyway. 
Meridian 
On the first mission of the "Annoy The Dominion On Purpose" campaign, 
Dax falls for a guy who spends most of the time without his body. 
Defiant 
Jonathan Frakes, desperate for a cameo, hijacks Sisko's "tough little 
ship." 
Fascination 
Everyone gets really horny. (Need I say more?) 
Past Tent, Part I 
Sisko camps out in old town San Fransisco. 
Past Tense, Part II 
The Commander helps rioters who want more jobs, better food, and price 
tags on clothing without those stupid little plastic tabs that don't 
come off even if you pull really, really hard unless you have some sort 
of huge military-type monstar scissors that can cut through a metal beam 
if you, y'know, wanted to. 
Life Support 
Vedek Bareil dies, infuriating his multitude of fan clubs. 
Heart Of Stone 
Kira gets trapped in a piece of styrofoam so Odo trys to puther out of 
her misery by talking to her. 
Destiny 
Three Cardassian scientists re-use the model from Generations and the 
Wormhole switches to a 24 hour, 7 days a week schedule just like 
7-Eleven. 
Prophet Motive 
The Grand Nagus becomes the next Mother Teresa. 
Visionary 
Julian must stop O'Brien from reading ahead in the script. 
Distant Voices 
Bashir turns into date material for the Golden Girls. 
Through The Looking Glass 
Sisko gets lucky with Kira and Dax while Tuvok proves he can be just as 
annoying in any universe! 
Improbable Cause 
The polyester suits in Garek's shop spontaneously combust, sending him 
on a search for his former superior, Extra-Bran Tforme
The Die Is Cast 
The Dominion laughs at the Cardassian/Romulan fleet. Meanwhile, Garek 
forces Odo to drink several litters of water and soda, then withholds 
the key to the bathroom in exchange for information. 
Explorers 
Sisko is successful in creating a safer alternative to the Voyager 
shuttlecraft. 
Family Business 
Quark is upset when he finds out he comes from an intelligent family. 
Shakaar 
Kira fights with her old resistance leader again, a man who inspired 
almost as many fan clubs as Vedek Bareil. 
Facets 
Dax has her 375th year reunion. 
The Adversary 
Sisko somehow forgets to check if there really was a war. Odo finally 
harms another changling. (Way to go!) 
Season Four 
The Way Of The Warrior 
Gowron starts making long, boring speaches, so Sisko gets Lt. Cmdr. Worf 
to try and boost the ratings. 
The Nana Visitor 
Jake kills himself when his father comes home. 
Hippopotamus Oath 
A Jem'Haddar tries to get Bashir in on their drug ring. 
Indiscretion 
Dukat balks at the thought of raising a teenage girl. 
Rejoined 
Julian is dismayed to learn that Dax is going out with another woman. 
Little Green Men 
Quark's ariaval on Earth in 1947 prompts the U.S.government to build all 
those facilities seen in Independence Day. 
Starship Down 
Sisko takes the Defiant into a planet's atmosphere, just like an 
airplane! He does not, however recieve any peanuts or complimentary 
drinks. 
The Toothpick Of Kahless 
Worf is upset when a really old man knows more than he does and Dax 
proves you CAN solve all your problem with a phaser. 
Our Man Bashir 
Bashir, Julian Bashir impresses Garek by destroying Earth. 
Homefront 
One again, Starfleet whistles and this time Sisko comes home. 
Paradise Lost Again 
Sisko finally figures out his dad is a 150 year old admiral while Worf 
has fun reenaction Star Trek II. 
Crossfire 
Odo falls for Kira who loves Shakaar. Confused, Odo decides to forget 
about it. 
Return To Grace Under Fire 
Slightly miffed that Worf got to do Star Trek II, Dukat replays Star 
Trek III by stealing a Klingon bird of prey. 
The Mogh-boys 
Worf erases his brother's memory in an attempt to steal all his ABBA 
CDs. 
Bar Association 
When Leeta's cleavage doesn't get enough screen time, she goes on 
strike. 
Accession 
An ancient poet who claims to be the Emissary takes the possition, but 
gives it up when he mixes up this episode's title and last week's. 
Rules Of Engagement 
Worf goes to traffic court and gets to really show off his scowling 
abilities. 
Hard Time 
Once again, O'Brien is placed in a small room with nothing to do as a 
punishment. (When will these people start looking up his old 
profession?) 
Shattered Mirror 
The alternate O'Brien builds his own Defiant then loses the keys. 
Fortunately, Sisko happens to have a spare. 
The Muse-Ak 
Deanna's getting a baby brother and Jake's publisher sucks all the life 
out of him. 
For The Cause 
Eddington wins the lottery and tells his boss to "get bent." 
To The Death 
The crew crash a Jem'Haddar family reuniun and manage to blow up the 
picnic pavilion. 
The Quickening 
Bashir kills a bunch of villagers then offends the Dominion to make up 
for it. 
Body Parts 
Quark sells his body and Keiko finds a way around morning sickness. 
The Missing Link 
Odo must return to the "Great Jell-O Link" to cure his flu. Instead, 
they turn him into a human just to laugh at him. 
Season Five 
Apocalypse Rising 
Sisko takes his friends to an all night bar where they get really drunk. 
Gowron congratulates them. 
The Ship 
O'Brien makes the mistake of being friends with the expendable extra. 
Looking For Par'mach In All The Wrong Places (I swear, I did not make 
that up) 
Quark flirts with a Klingon and ends up in a knife fight. (What did he 
excpect?) 
...Nor The Battle Strong 
Jake enters a war zone and is agahst to find blood, violence, and DEAD 
PEOPLE!
The Assignment 
O'Brien almost kills the Prophets when his wife starts role playing. 
Trials And Tibble-ations 
The producers figure out how to re-use old footage, get Kirk and Spock 
in the story, and put Dax into a really short skirt. 
Let He Who Is Without Sin 
On the most sex crazed planet in the galaxy, Worf manages to find the 
four guys who never got any. 
Things Past 
Two thumbs up. I liked it in a sort of dark and sadistic way. 
The Ascent 
Trapped on a planet with Quark, Odo is haunted by memories ofthe movie 
Alive. 
Velociraptors 
After a few nightmares, Sisko has trouble putting his comunicator on in 
the morning. 
The Darkness And The Night-light 
The Phantom of the Opera comes after Kira's buddies. 
The Begotten 
Odo baby-sits the goo from Ghostbusters. Kira loses 10 pounds. 
For The Uniform 
Sisko really, really wants to punch Eddington in the nose. He can't so 
he ruins a planet's enviroment and feels better. 
In Purgatory's Shadow 
Worf and Garek, having nothing to do anyway, go out and get captured by 
the Jem'Haddar. 
By Infernos Light 
Worf feels bad when a Jem'Haddar doesn't want to play with him. 
Meanwhile, Sisko has a big party which takes up all the parking spaces. 
Doctor Bashir, I Presume 
O'Brien says it all with "Just think...if this works, you'll [Julian] be 
able to annoy hundreds of people you've never even met!" (Thank you, 
cheif) 
A Simple Investigation 
Do I even have to say "It's not?" 
Business as Usual 
Quark saves millions of lives, so Sisko punishes him. 
Ties of Blood and Water 
Kira babysits an old man because, quite frankly, it's better than 
watching the O'Briens' baby. 
Ferengi Love Songs 
The Nagus loses his mind, so he decides to date Quark's mother. 
Soldiers of the Empire 
A Klingon crew becomes so depressed when Worf is assigned to their ship 
that they can't win any battles. 
Children From Slime 
Dax inadvertently creates hundreds of lives and leaves it to Odo to kill 
them all. 
Haze Of Glory 
Sisko must use Eddington to stop the Maquis' final weapon; an automated 
phone machine that calls up the Cardasians every morning at two A.M. 
sharp. 
Either Nor 
DS9 loses some of the best extras it ever had. 
In The Cards 
Jake and Nog get drunk and give the Dominion the secret to immortality, 
but hey, they got a baseball card out of it! I thought I'd include the 
Post's actual review since it was so good... "Jake and Nog's quest for a 
Willie Mays baseball card lands them in a Jem'Hadar interrogation room." 
Call Me "Arms" 
Lots of things are happening on DS9. Rom asks Ben to marry him; Leeta 
decides to do something different and wear clothing; Dukat attacks the 
station (well, that's not too different) with lots of cool ships (that 
is, I suppose); and the Captain leaves his ball behind but they can't 
turn around to get it. 
  -=/\=-  -=/\=-  -=/\=-  -=/\=-  -=/\=-  -=/\=-  -=/\=-  -=/\=-  -=/\=-
        Luke Fischer    Rom-Tom@Juno.com    SysOp of Dragon's Lair
    Captain of the USS Junart and Admiral of the FSF Simm Organization
... Our mission: To boldly go forward until we find the reverse gear.
--- Blue Wave/TAG v2.20 [NR]
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