Re- the feeling of overwhelming love and acceptance in AA is some of 
the best therapy your friend has ever witnessed - I'm not feeling a lot
of that lately.  I just fired my sponsor - an old friend - because she 
is never available of late (last few MONTHS) when I call her, but when 
SHE is in trouble she calls me.  I felt like I was sponsoring HER.  
Yesterday I called really needing to talk.  I called her at her beeper 
as she said to do if I needed her and she promised she'd call me back 
as soon as she got off work and got settled at home- about 5 P M.  By 9
_P M she still hadn't called so I called and left a message on her 
machine that I was getting a new sponsor.
The truth is that it seems nobody in AA cares about me unless they are 
in trouble.  The big exception to this is the two women I sponsor - one
in AA and one in SIA.  But I don't want to do to them what my sponsor 
did to me and tell them my troubles.  That is NOT what a sponsor is for
- to add to the sponsee's burdens.
It seems my former sponsor doesn't care about anyone in the program 
except those who are going to use her and hurt her.  She doesn't want 
her real friends.  I had another sponsor like that about four or so 
years ago and I know that if I stick around a super-masochist like 
that, sooner or later I am going to get hurt by these "friends" too - 
and badly - or by her directly.  I don't need this in my life again.
The truth is that the ONLY good, dependable, reliable sponsor I had was
when I lived in MD briefly, in AA and in Al-Anon I had a really good 
sponsor in Virginia.
And I think I am going to go back to using my MD. sponsor - long 
distance works well, after all.
So does the U S mail system, usually.
To top it all off, I've been sick - AGAIN - since Mon. and REALLY ill. 
Yesterday my husband walks in the door and doesn't care about how much 
I DID do, despite being sick.  He throws a tantrum because he has no 
clean shirts for work the next day and has to rinse one out by hand.
So instead of doing just one he does a WHOLE bunch - to play the matyr 
I guess.  Then he starts nagging ME because he has truck problems - and
I don't drive.
I can tell you I was ready to throw in the towel yesterday.
Expectations are dangerous.  (I HAD been really looking forward to his 
return home. I also had been expecting my sponsor to actually sponsor 
me too.)
The support AA gives to newcomers is wonderful.  But when you have a 
few years together - like more than five around here - people start to 
treat you like an oldtimer, which seems to mean that they expect you to
never have any problems of your own and to always be available to 
everyone else.  This isn't realistic.  Life on life's terms is not all 
"peaches and cream" for anyone - even if that person has a billion 
years sober.
But I do realize, from personal experience, that most meetings outside 
of this immediate area - i e this city I live in - are a lot more 
supportive than in this city for some reason.
I used to go to a meeting and just try to be warm and outgoing.  THis 
was on the basis of accepting what I couldn't change, while changing 
what I could.  It was also on the basis of "it is better to light one 
candle, than to curse the darkness".  But lately I seem to have given 
up and I just don't know why.  
I know sobriety is worth it.  Sometimes I wonder if LIFE is worth the 
effort, know what I mean?
--- TriToss (tm) Professional 1.0 - #130
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