Y'aright Jimmy?.
 JH> i am a poet
 Oh yeah?. That's interesting. (No don't laugh everyone) It is. No - really.
 JH> Here is a short example of my poetry :)
 JH>        THE FIRST KISS
  
 JH> The first kiss I remember well
 JH> as well as our first embrace
 JH> I remember how it made my head swell
 JH> and made my fluttering Heart race!
 Er .. oh right. Tell me, Jim, have you ever heard of the expression,
 "Don't Ring Us"?. Don't matter. Look, I also must be a poet then. Hurrah!.
 Here is a short example of *my* poetry which takes a sideways glance at
 the current state of the lifestyle of the British working classes.
 Unfortunately, the language is rather strong and expletives are littered
 throughout the verses and may not be recommended for all tastes.
 For this reason at the end, I include a rather detailed synopsis.
             THE FIRST PINT
 Did you shag my bird?.
 In your Land Rover, so I heard,
 In The Bell, that's what I heard,
 Don't treat me like I'm a wanker,
 I'm no wanker. I'm no wanker.
 Listen cunt. My mate says you spilt me pint,
 In The Bluebell the other night,
 Drank my fags and smoked me Grandad,
 Turned and crapped inside me pants.
 Come on, Phil. You stole me dog and called me `Nan a liar,
 You stole me underpants and threw them on the fire,
 Pissed down my leg in the toilets,
 Shagged me chips and ...
 Just ignore me, just ignore me, just ignore me,
 I'm pissed as a cunt,
 Just ignore me, just ignore me, just ignore me,
 I'm pissed as a cunt.
 Wolverhampton, Wolverhampton,
 Walking round without me pants on.
 Wolverhampton, Wolverhampton,
 Where's me pants gone?. Someone's robbed them!.
 Come on cunt,
 You turned my hair grey and lost my job,
 Stole me self-respect and stole my cob,
 You that trained my dog to hate me,
 Sorry mate, I'm a fuckin' state.
 You, you cunt,
 You told my boss I was on the rock,
 Painted me nose red, and shrank my cock,
 Took my cobs from out the bread-bin,
 You bastard .. oh ...
 Just ignore me, just ignore me, just ignore me,
 I'm pissed as a cunt,
 Just ignore me, just ignore me, just ignore me,
 I'm pissed as a cunt.
 Wolverhampton, Wolverhampton,
 Walking round without me pants on.
 Wolverhampton, Wolverhampton,
 Where's me pants gone?. Someone's robbed them!.
 Left my pants in Wolverhampton.
 --------------------------
 Synopsis of THE FIRST PINT
 John - a young West Midlands lager lout from Birmingham, drinks heavily at
 weekends. His penchant for the over-imbibing of alcohol and spirits, tends
 to make him a social outcast and something of a joke amongst his peers.
 John's accusations against his chums for deeds which he claims they have
 done against him become more and more bizarre and implausible as the poem
 continues. "You shagged my chips", "You drank my fags"- he berates.
 Chips in this case being fried potatoes (usually served with battered fish).
 Fags being UK slang for cigarettes. Let's go through his `story' in stages.
 `Did you shag my bird?'
 (Here, John accuses his friends of adultery against his girlfriend)
 `In your Land Rover so I heard'
 (This is a four-wheel drive all-terrain vehicle popular amngs the country 
set)
 `In The Bell'
 (`The Bell' is a local public hostelry)
 So already, John is claiming that his girlfriend has not only been involved
 in extramarital pursuits in a motor vehicle but also in a drinking establish
 ment - a ridiculous juxtaposition that is practically unfeasible. However 
..
 `Don't treat me like I'm a wanker'
 (A wanker being slang for someone who self-abuses and without credibility)
 `My mate said you spilt me pint'
(John now claims to have it on good authority that his friends have
deliberately capsized his drinking vessel)
`In The Bluebell'
(Another name for a public house in the vicinity)
`Drank my fags and smoked my Grandad'
(Here, John uses the wrong choice of verb to explain the loss of his
cigarettes and then that an elderly relative has been mistaken for the same)
`Turned and crapped inside me pants'
(John is now being totally unreasonable and assumes that the cause for his
faecal incontinence was the doing of a third party)
`You stole me dog' `Called me `Nan a liar'
(Obviously he now says that his canine friend has been dognapped and that
his `nan (Grandmother) has been decried as being an untruth-sayer.
'You stole me underpants and threw them on the fire'
(Self-explanatory. And obviously an unsubstantiable accusation)
`Pissed down me legs in the toilets'
(Here, John infers that someone has blatantly urinated on him whilst he
paid a call in the public conveniences)
`Shagged me chips'
(By now, John's story that a personal vendetta is being carried out against
him is made all the more ludicrous as he accuses others of having sexual
intercourse with his portion of chipped, fried potatoes - and, realising that
his behaviour could incite the possiblity of physical violence in retaliation
against him, he then admits to being under the influence of alcohol)
`I'm pissed as a cunt'
(This is UK slang for `very inebriated and generally disorientated by same')
`Wolverhampton - walking round without me pants on'
(Evidently, our happless inebriate has indeed, mislaid his underpants in the
pub toilets - and now, since it is after closing time, he is resigned to
walking the Birmingham suburb in only his shirt and bare feet.
`You turned my hair grey, lost my job, self-respect, cob'
(The last `point' (the cob) is in fact a sandwich bread roll - so perhaps the
accuser has had his lunch stolen and has nothing to eat in replacement)
`You that trained my dog to hate me'
(John's canine friend must have been behaving in an acutely, antisocial way
therefore the only explanation open to him is that an outside party has
maybe coerced the animal to display such marked character changes.)
`You, you cunt!'
(John's vitriole is intense now and he can only express his angry emotions by
swearing at the accusee)
`You told my boss I was on the rock'
(`The rock' is cockney rhyming slang for `rock and role' (dole). Dole is
British slang for social welfare benefit - so it seems that John's employers
have been notified by a third party that he was still claiming state handouts
whilst lawfully employed - and therefore has been sacked accordingly)
`You painted my nose red and shrank my cock'
(John's facial area (around the nose) is erythemic - probably due to his
long-term drinking habits causing rupturing of the peripheral capillaries.
His penile dimensions he claims, are reduced also - something not likely to
have occurred overnight and again could be secondary to his alcohol problems)
`Took my cobs out of the bread-bin'
(Conversely to the more serious salient points in comparison - it therefore
seems a strange analogy to draw when John now seems to think that the stale
taste of his sandwiches are equally as distasteful to him)
`Sorry mate, I'm a fucking state'
(Once again, John is struck by a sudden feeling of guilt and remorse and
admits publicly that his erratic disposition is due to his drunken state)
`Left my pants in Wolverhampton'
(John's night of inebriation have resulted in the loss of his self-worth,
money and now it seems, even the clothes he stood in - he is now found
meandering the suburban streets completely naked - yet despite his bad
fortune can still find the humour to wax lyrical about his circumstances)
A sad tale - but one I think that shows that, despite great multifaceted
disadvantage, human nature can still, in the face of such merciless 
dversity,
come through with one's philosophical outlook intact. And so, gives hope to
those who may also feel that life is directionless.
 JH> i have over 60 poems in a book
 I have over 60 pairs of dirty socks in a large canvas container -
 but hey - you don't wanna look at those either, right?.
 Hope this has been of some help.
 Cheers!
 Bruce E. Baby (he's just a great big baby)
... What Are You Looking For?  There's Nothing Here!
--- PPoint 1.80
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