From: "Rai" 
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------

The Joy of Coffee
                  Anon 

Caffeine is my shepherd; I shall not doze.
It maketh me to wake in green pastures:
it leadeth me beyond the sleeping masses.
It restoreth my buzz:
it leadeth me in the paths of consciousness for its name's sake.
Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of addiction,
I will fear no Equal (tm):
for thou art with me;
thy cream and thy sugar they comfort me.
Thou preparest a carafe before me in the prescence of Juan Valdez:
thou anointest my day with pep;
my mug runneth over.
Surely richness and taste shall follow me all the days of my life:
and I will dwell in the House of Maxwell forever. 


The Caffeinated Cross
(A Javacrucian Ritual) 

The following ritual was found in a musty, dusty old fragment of parchment 
lodged between the musty old pages of a musty, dusty old book in a musty, 
dusty old library whose musty, dusty old dust hadn't been disturbed by the 
presence of man in many a musty, dusty old century. It took a great deal of 
effort to translate the original writings. After months of effort and 
research in language libraries, it was finally determined that the weird 
script was not some arcane, forgotten language, but English, written by 
someone with a very bad case of caffeine jitters. 

Another fragment indicated that this was once part of a book, entitled "The 
Mystery of the StarBuck". 

THE CAFFEINATED CROSS
Stand, facing east, holding your coffee cup, filled with the mystical brew, 
in your power hand, and assume a posture of wakeful alertness. Bring your 
coffee cup to your forehead and intone: "LATTE" Lower your coffee
cup to the 
vicinity of your navel: "MOCHA" Bring your coffee cup to your
left shoulder: 
"CAPPUCHINO" Bring it across to your right shoulder:
"FRAPPUCHINO" Clasp 
your coffee cup in both hands over your heart chakra: "ARABICA, OH MAN!"
Extend your arms to the sides, and intone: "BEFORE ME, MRS. OLSON"
"BEHIND ME, JUAN VALDEZ"
"AT MY RIGHT HAND, M J B"
"AT MY LEFT HAND, THE BROTHERS HILLS"
"FOR ABOUT ME SWIRLS THE COFFEE AROMA"
"WITHIN ME SINGS THE CAFFEINE HIGH"
Drink the coffee, in communion with the spirits of the Sacred Coffee Bean. 
This last step may be usefully repeated as long as you like. 

 

---