From: "Rai" 
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The Lesser* Banishing Ritual of Thee Mother-In-Law

(found at http://www.sonic.net/fenwick/chaos/lbrmil.html) 

[*The Greater ritual being to terrible even for the worst of inlaws] 

by James Lin 

In the double current of Maat/Horus,the dis-banding of Nirvana and the age 
of the new Goddess, Alanis Morrissett, do I type these words, 'tis true, 
without a word of lie, 'tis very true. That which is on the z-list is 
online, and that which is online, is on the z-list, to work boredom from. 

And just as all things have been, and are come from, Shub internet, so are 
all e-mails born of this one thing. And so it goes..... 

As I lay in my chamber, exausted from another day, my Ladywife and child 
beside me, I did hear a stirring coming from yonder."Hark", I said (I 
usually don't say Hark, but it makes for a better story). "Hark", I said, 
"What is that noise from kitchen yonder?" 

I crawled from the safety of my warm nest and reached for my weapon. I spoke 
the secret words as taught to me by my mentor, Mr. Rogers. 

"Oh mighty Mjollnir, basher of burglars, at any other time thy name be 
golfclub, defend me now in your grandest "hole in one" style. I
invoke thee 
Arnold Palmer, Jack Nicholas, and Lee Trevino. Lee, your not that great of a 
golfer, but you were struck by lightning." 

I felt the powerglow of Mjollnir creep through my body, or it might have 
just been heartburn from to much pizza before bed, I'm not sure. Feeling 
bold,I took four antacid tablets with extra calcium and crept down the 
stairs to the cavern we call the kitchen. 

There before me hunched over a pot of some incongruent mass, was, to my 
horror, Thee Mother-in-Law! 

I quickly said my silent invocation to the God "Nike Adidas" and
the silent 
incantation "Feets don't fail me now" but she turned and saw me before I 
could run away. The stench of too much Opium and Morning Dew perfume 
assaulted my senses, I almost passed out from the smell. I shook my head to 
clear my throbbing brain, and saw her moving toward me, a spoon in one hand 
and the pot in the other. 

Thinking as quickly as I could I shouted "Get thee behind me mother-in-law. 
Oh yea, forcer of unwanted food, pincher of my young son's cheeks. Take your 
pots of alcohol chicken and your silly folk superstitions and begone." 

And she that moved spake, "We are the Mothers-in-Law and we are many, we 
move into your home in the well meaning guise of nutritional needs, but in 
reality we come to cause strife. Our famous curse "support the babies
head" 
will ring in your ears till the day you die." 

The odor of garlic and Polident was almost too much to bear. I was frozen in 
place, forced to listen to her complaining diatribe. 

She continued " I hurl upon ye, parents that love your children and would 
keep them. We the Mother in laws manifest in many forms, one of those forms 
being "The well meaning friend." 

I had had enough, I knew if I didn't stop this horror now,it would be too 
late. I rose up and spoke the revered names of Gods an Goddesses most hated 
by Thee Mother in Law. 

"I invoke thee Led Zeppelin, fall upon this Legion and take it from my site. 
In through the out door, if you will.  And also the curse called "The well 
meaning friend."  Those vile childless beings that somehow know EVERYTHING 
about how to rear MY child.  Jimi Hendricks wail upon your guitar with extra 
feedback and distortion.  Janis Joplin rip one out and sonically banish this 
blot on human kind. 

Then I spoke my best and most sacred barbarous name incantation, that of 
Cheech and Chong " Oh Feely me bony belly e probiscus e Billy selly all of 
his dominoes." 

And with that Thee Mother in Law packed her bags and left my dwelling, 
vowing never to return. 

Somehow, I doubted it.
                ____________________________________________________
This is an original work by James Lin and may be freely stolen, plagiarized 
and transmitted openly on any and all systems 


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