From: Ceri 
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MM All,

Unlike _another_ echo I can name I don't recall any non-trek rules here 


  Rai
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Life Will Not Be Like Star Trek
-------------------------------
..........................................................
Written by Scott Adams, published in "The Dilbert Future" by 
HarperBusiness.  Copyright United Media, 1997.  Please keep this notice 
with the text if you forward it by e-mail.
..........................................................

There are so many Star Trek(tm) spin-offs that it is easy to fool 
yourself into thinking that the Star Trek vision is an accurate vision 
of the future. Sadly, Star Trek does not take into account the 
stupidity, selfishness, and horniness of the average human being.  Allow 
me to describe some of the more obvious errors in the Star Trek vision.

Medical Technology
------------------
On Star Trek, the doctors have handheld devices that instantly close any 
openings in the skin. Imagine that sort of device in the hands of your 
unscrupulous friends. They would sneak up behind you and seal your ass 
shut as a practical joke. The devices would be sold in novelty stores 
instead of medical outlets. All things considered, I'm happy that it's 
not easy to close other people's orifices.

Transporter
-----------
It would be great to be able to beam your molecules across space and 
then reassemble them. The only problem is that you have to trust your
co-worker to operate the transporter. These are the same people who 
won't add paper to the photocopier or make a new pot of coffee after
taking the last drop. I don't think they'll be double-checking the 
transporter coordinates. They'll be accidentally beaming people into
walls, pets, and furniture. People will spend all their time apologizing 
for having inanimate objects protruding from parts of their bodies.

'Pay no attention to the knickknacks; I got beamed into a hutch yesterday.'

If I could beam things from one place to another, I'd never leave the 
house. I'd sit in a big comfy chair and just start beaming groceries, 
stereo equipment, cheerleaders, and anything else I wanted right into my 
house. I'm fairly certain I would abuse this power. If anybody came to 
arrest me, I'd beam them into space. If I wanted some paintings for my 
walls, I'd beam the contents of the Louvre over to my place, pick out 
the good stuff, and beam the rest into my neighbor's garage.


If I were watching the news on television and didn't like what I heard, 
I would beam the anchorman into my living room during the commercial 
break, give him a vicious wedgie, and beam him back before anybody 
noticed. I'd never worry about 'keeping up with the Joneses,' because as 
soon as they got something nice, it would disappear right out of their 
hands. My neighbors would have to use milk crates for furniture. And 
that's only after I had all the milk crates I would ever need for the 
rest of my life.

There's only one thing that could keep me from spending all my time 
wreaking havoc with the transporter: the holodeck.

Holodeck
--------
For those of you who only watched the 'old' Star Trek, the holodeck can 
create simulated worlds that look and feel just like the real thing. The 
characters on Star Trek use the holodeck for recreation during breaks 
from work. This is somewhat unrealistic. If I had a holodeck, I'd close 
the door and never come out until I died of exhaustion. It would be hard 
to convince me I should be anywhere but in the holodeck, getting my oil 
massage from Cindy Crawford and her simulated twin sister.

Holodecks would be very addicting. If there weren't enough holodecks to 
go around, I'd get the names of all the people who had reservations 
ahead of me and beam them into concrete walls. I'd feel tense about it, 
but that's exactly why I'd need a massage.

I'm afraid the holodeck will be society's last invention.

Sex with Aliens
---------------

According to Star Trek, there are many alien races populated with 
creatures who would like to have sex with humans. This would open up a 
lot of anatomical possibilities, but imagine the confusion. It's hard 
enough to have sex with human beings, much less humanoids. One wrong 
move and you're suddenly transported naked to the Gamma Quadrant to 
stand trial for who-knows-what. This could only add to performance 
anxiety. You would never be quite sure what moves would be sensual and 
what moves would be a galactic-sized mistake.

        Me Trying to Have Sex with an Alien
        -----------------------------------

        Me:      May I touch that?

        Alien:  That is not an erogenous zone. It is a
                separate corporeal being that has been
                attached to my body for six hundred years.

        Me:     It's cute. I wonder if it would let me
                have sex with it.

        Alien:  That's exactly what I said six hundred
                years ago.

The best part about having sex with aliens, according to the Star Trek 
model, is that the alien always dies a tragic death soon afterward. I 
don't have to tell you how many problems that would solve. 
Realistically, the future won't be that convenient.

Phasers
-------
I would love to have a device that would stun people into 
unconsciousness without killing them. I would use it ten times a day. If 
I got bad service at the convenience store, I'd zap the clerk. If 
somebody with big hair sat in front of me at the theater, zap!

On Star Trek, there are no penalties for stunning people with phasers. 
It happens all the time. All you have to do is claim you were possessed 
by an alien entity. Apparently, that is viewed as a credible defense in 
the Star Trek future. Imagine real criminals in a world where the 'alien 
possession' defense is credible.

Criminal:  Yes, officer, I did steal that vehicle, and
           I did kill the occupants, but I was possessed
           by an evil alien entity.

Officer:         Well, okay. Move along.

I wish I had a phaser right now. My neighbor's dog likes to stand under 
my bedroom window on the other side of the fence and bark for hours at a 
time. My neighbor has employed the bold defense that he believes it 
might be another neighbor's dog, despite the fact that I am standing 
there looking at him barking only twenty feet away. In a situation like 
this, a phaser is really the best approach. I could squeeze off a clean 
shot through the willow tree. A phaser doesn't make much noise, so it 
wouldn't disturb anyone. Then the unhappy little dog and I could both 
get some sleep. If the neighbor complains, I'll explain that the phaser 
was fired by the other neighbor's dog, a known troublemaker who is said 
to be invisible.

And if that doesn't work, a photon torpedo is clearly indicated.

Cyborgs
-------
Given the choice, I would rather be a cyborg instead of 100 percent 
human. I like the thought of technology becoming part of my body. As a 
human, I am constantly running to the toolbox in my garage to get a tool 
to deal with some new household malfunction. If I were a cyborg, I might 
have an electric drill on my arm, plus a metric socket set. That would 
save a lot of trips. From what I've seen, the cyborg concept is a 
modular design, so you can add whatever tools you think you'd use most.

I'd love to see crosshairs appear in my viewfinder every time I looked 
at someone. It would make me feel menacing, and I'd like that. I'd 
program myself so that anytime I saw a car salesman, a little message 
would appear in my viewfinder that said 'Target Locked On.'

It would also be great to have my computer built into my skull. That way 
I could surf the Net during useless periods of life, such as when people 
talk to me. All I'd have to do is initiate a head-nodding subroutine 
during boring conversations and I could amuse myself in my head all day 
long.

I think that if anyone could become a cyborg, there would be a huge rush 
of people getting in line for the conversion. Kids would like it for the 
look. Adults would like it for its utility. Cyborg technology has 
something for everyone. So, unlike Star Trek, I can imagine everyone 
wanting to be a cyborg.

The only downside I can see is that when the human part dies and you're 
at the funeral, the cyborg part will try to claw its way out of the 
casket and slay all the mourners. But that risk can be minimized by 
saying you have an important business meeting, so you can't make it to 
the service.

Shields
-------
I wish I had an invisible force field. I'd use it all the time, 
especially around people who spit when they talk or get too close to my 
personal space. In fact, I'd probably need a shield quite a bit if I 
also had a phaser to play with.

I wouldn't need a big shield system like the one they use to protect the 
Enterprise, maybe just a belt-clip device for personal use. I could 
insult dangerous people without fear of retribution. Whatever crumbs of 
personality I now have would be completely unnecessary in the future.
On the plus side, it would make shopping much more fun.

             Shopping with Shields Up
             ------------------------


        Me:          Ring this up for me, you
                     unpleasant cretin.

        Saleswoman:  I oughta slug you!

        Me:          Try it. My shields are up.

        Saleswoman:  Damn!

        Me:          There's nothing you can do to
                     harm me.

        Saleswoman:  I guess you're right. Would you like
                     to open a charge account? Our interest
                     rates are very reasonable.

        Me:          Nice try.


Long-Range Sensors
------------------
If people had long-range sensors, they would rarely use them to scan for 
new signs of life. I think they would use them to avoid work. You could 
run a continuous scan for your boss and then quickly transport yourself 
out of the area when he came near. If your manager died in his office, 
you would know minutes before the authorities discovered him, and that 
means extra break time.

Vulcan Death Grip
-----------------
Before all you Trekkies write to correct me, I know there is no such 
thing as a Vulcan Death Grip even in Star Trek. But I wish there were. 
That would have come in handy many times. It would be easy to make the 
Vulcan Death Grip look like an accident.

'I was just straightening his collar and he collapsed.'

I think the only thing that keeps most people from randomly killing 
other citizens is the bloody mess it makes and the high likelihood of 
getting caught. With the Vulcan Death Grip, it would be clean and 
virtually undetectable. Everybody would be killing people left and 
right. You wouldn't be able to have a decent conversation at the office 
over the sound of dead co-workers hitting the carpet. The most common 
sounds in corporate America would be, 'I'm sorry I couldn't give you a 
bigger raise, but . . . erk!'

And that's why the future won't be like Star Trek.

..........................................................
Written by Scott Adams, published in "The Dilbert Future" by 
HarperBusiness.  Copyright United Media, 1997.  Please keep this notice 
with the text.
..........................................................








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