From: Meg Alfoni 
Subject: From your friends at rec.equestrian
By Robert Kirby
      If you wish to be emotionally
  fashionable these days, you have
  to be able to talk to horses. Prompted by the movie ``The Horse
Whisperer,'' hoss
  psychotherapy is the latest in Hollywood emotes.
      The movie has spawned public interest in real-life horse
whisperers, people who
  specialize in helping troubled horses with channeling problems and/or
past-life regression
  issues. This being the New Age, no horse is happy without a 12-step
program.
      Although I still hesitate to talk about it, I was once a horse
whisperer. OK, more of a
  horse screamer. It's basically the same thing, only not as romantic as
the movie makes it
  look. Nor did it involve a torrid affair with a beautiful woman.
      It happened while I was a cop in a rural town. One day I tried to
impound a stray horse.
  The horse, which, judging from appearances, may really have been just
a tall weasel,
  cooperated up to the point of being driven into a pasture. Then it
leaned over the fence and
  bit me on top of the shoulder.
      For the benefit of the inexperienced, horse bites differ
significantly from mosquito bites.
  For one thing, horses are much bigger. You know right away when one
lands on you. Also,
  they have mossy teeth the size of garage doors.
      Although pain and time have blurred the exact nature of my
emotional interaction with this
  mentally unstable creature, I still remember the gist of it. Doctor
Doolittle with a gun.
      Me: ``[expletives deleted, including many invented for the
occasion]!''
      Horse: ``Ha! Come over by the fence again, tough guy.''
      So you see, whether being ridden by John Wayne, or necked with by
Robert Redford,
  horses are not the wild and romantic conversationalists portrayed in
the movies. On the
  other hand, would you go see something called ``The Duck Whisperer?''
      Before Hollywood gets the idea that a sequel to ``The Horse
Whisperer'' is a good idea,
  we should examine the options and/or the need of conversing with other
animals.
      In addition to the aforementioned horse, I have whispered,
screamed, threatened, cajoled
  and pleaded with other animals. Here is what little I learned.
      Puppy: Talking to a puppy is a huge waste of time. The topic
revolves entirely around the
  most inconvenient place to go to the bathroom.
      Fish: Very poor listeners. Possibly because they live underwater,
but more likely because
  they do not have ears.
      Cat: As previously explained in this column, demonic possession
makes cats poor
  conversationalists.
      Bug: Little is known about bug-human dialogue. Probably because
those who try it for
  any length of time end up heavily medicated by order of some court.
      Turkey: Although many women would pay to see Robert Redford in
``The Turkey
  Whisperer,'' it will not happen. Turkeys talk a lot, but they do not
say anything meaningful.
      Pig: Forget it. Those willing to talk are still mad at Hollywood
over ``Deliverance.''
      Cow: Don't bother. What powers of elocution cows possess are
completely devoted to
  ``Huh?''
      Yak: See above, only worse.
      Snake: Any conversation is usually in the form of mean-spirited
gossip.
      Chicken: Technically not an animal. Think potato with a beak.
      Giga Pet: Although not an animal either, today's virtual pet still
has more upper-level
  reasoning ability than a chicken (and even most Hollywood directors).
      Rock: At one time the pet of choice, most people today find rocks
indifferent and
  self-absorbed.
      One final and important note. Unlike the movie, if you are looking
for romance with a
  highly attractive member of your own species, be careful who sees you
whispering to the
  animals.
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