Leaked Transcript Proves Russiagaters Have Been Right All Along

A transcript of exchanges between US President Donald Trump and Russian 
President Vladimir Putin has been leaked to National News Conglomerate 
by an anonymous source within the Kremlin.

We here at NNC have confirmed the authenticity of this document using 
the same rigorous verification process we've been using to authenticate 
the evidence for all our other reporting on Russia's involvement in the 
2016 US elections over the last two years. These verification methods 
include hunches, gut intuitions, and an introspective assessment of the 
way our feelings feel.

The following exchanges revealed in this transcript provide the clearest 
evidence yet that the President of the United States has been in 
collusion with the Russian government for years.

This introduction has been authored by the editorial board of the 
National News Conglomerate. Obey.

-------------------

11/9/2016

Trump: I have done as you commanded, my dominant and all-powerful lord. 
I have conspired with your hackers to steal the election, and now I'm 
going to be president! I want to thank you for not releasing that video 
footage of those Russian prostitutes I hired to urinate on a bed the 
Obamas once slept in. If that had come out it would have offended and 
alienated a lot of people, which is something I never normally do.

Putin: Yes that is an old KGB tactic called kompromat, a word which only 
extremely intelligent people know about. Keep this line of communication 
open. As long as you do as I command, your pee pee tape will remain secret.

Trump: One thing I'm curious about though my lord, if you don't mind my 
asking. If you already had an army of hackers targeting Democratic Party 
emails, why did you need my help? Couldn't you just have hacked the 
emails and published them on your own? Why did you need me to interact 
with them at all?

Putin: Moral support, mainly. We don't need to get into specifics.

Trump: Oh okay.

~

1/20/2017

Trump: I'm in! Whew! I was really worried that leaked dossier would be 
the end of me! What are my instructions, my lord?

Putin: Begin introducing racism and division to the United States. 
America has never experienced these things before, and it will shock and 
disorient them. With the US divided against itself, your nation will be 
far too weak to stand against my plans of total world domination.

Trump: That's a really tall order! America has always been a harmonious 
place where everyone gets along up until today. I'll try my best though. 
Anything else?

Putin: Yes, make them distrust your nation's large media outlets and 
convince them that the US intelligence community is often dishonest.

Trump: That will be really hard because those institutions have always 
been trusted for their unparalleled integrity. But your wish is my 
command, oh lord.

~

4/7/2017

Putin: Bomb a Syrian airbase.

Trump: What? Really? Aren't they, like, your allies?

Putin: Exactly. This will throw inquisitive minds off the scent. We 
can't have them finding out about that pee tape.

Trump: Are you sure? Some people are saying that chemical attack looks 
like it could have been perpetrated by the many terrorist factions in 
Syria and not the government.

Putin: Who cares? Have you seen how relentless they've been in exposing 
us?? Have you never watched Rachel Maddow? That woman is a psychic 
bloodhound, masterfully sniffing out the truth at every turn! We can't 
afford to take chances. Do as I say.

Trump: Yes sir.

Putin: And see if you can arrest that WikiLeaks guy.

~

5/14/17

Trump: Hey do you want me to do anything about Montenegro's addition to 
NATO?

Putin: No. NATO expansion is good.

Trump: Uhhh okay.

~

6/28/17

Trump: Who do you want tapped for Ukraine envoy?

Putin: Kurt Volker.

Trump: Volker? He hates you! He's like the biggest Russia hawk ever.

Putin: We still need to throw the Russiagaters off the scent. We're 
playing 3-D chess here. This is high-level disinformation, or 
dezinformatsiya as very smart people call it. I want as many Russia 
hawks in your administration as possible.

Trump: 3-D chess? Alright. I guess you know what you're doing.

~

8/30/17

Putin: Shut down the Russian consulate in San Francisco and throw out a 
bunch of diplomats. That will confuse the hell out of them.

~

11/21/17

Putin: Now approve the sale of arms to Ukraine. Not even Obama would do 
that. This will throw them off the trail for sure.

~

1/1/18

Putin: Happy new year. Force RT and Sputnik to register as foreign agents.

~

1/29/18

Putin: Make sure your Nuclear Posture Review greatly escalates its 
aggressive posture toward Russia.

~

2/14/18

Putin: Happy Valentine's Day. Don't worry about those Russians your guys 
killed in Syria.

~

2/19/18

Putin: Send a fleet of war ships to the Black Sea.

~

3/25/18

Putin: Better expel a few dozen diplomats over the Skripal thing.

~

4/5/18

Putin: Sanction a bunch of Russian oligarchs.

~

4/10/18

Putin: Bomb Syria.

Trump: What?? Again?

Putin: Yes.

Trump: What the hell, man? Why'd you even recruit me if you're just 
going to have me do everything all the Russia hawks want?

Putin: Well, you know how I told you we were playing 3-D chess against 
the Russiagate investigation?

Trump: Yeah?

Putin: Well that wasn't enough. Now we're playing 4-D chess.

Trump: Fine, whatever, I don't care. Just don't release my pee tape.

~

7/17/18

Trump: Oh man. They're really making a major fuss about that summit. 
What should I do?

Putin: Play it cool. Don't let them know about our secret diabolical plot.

Trump: Right. Remind me what that was again?

Putin: Make Jim Acosta feel really, really sad.

~

9/2/18

Putin: Have you arrested Julian Assange yet?

Trump: Working on it.

~

10/20/18

Putin: I like John Bolton's idea. Pull out of the Intermediate-Range 
Nuclear Forces Treaty.

~

11/25/18

Putin: Make sure your administration loudly and aggressively backs 
Ukraine in our Kerch Strait spat.

Trump: OMFG this is getting too weird. Are you just trolling me? What 
the hell is this?

Trump: Hello?

Trump: Are you there?

Trump: Answer me!

Putin: 5-D chess.

*  *  *

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