From: sienna@yabbs
To: all@yabbs
Subject: Sex V
Date: Mon Aug 22 13:23:18 1994
NEW AGE SEX:
No-no's in the Nineties
MYTH: A *good* girl never sleeps with a amn she isn't in love with.
Living in the "New Age" doesnt necessarily mean it's not without its new
problems. Even though we may be given more options and choices in our
sexual behavior, we shouldn't sit around moping because we're past our
sexual peaks. the truth is, it's a jungle out ther ein the land of the
Sexually Active. Maybe we should be glad our hormonally-impaired
reproductive organs are representing their own era, otherwise known as the
Age of the Listless Libido.
In the New Age, people don't waste valuable time talking about love.
they've got more potent sexually stimulating hormones coursing through
them than Baskin-Robbins has flavors. So they just settle for "know" -
which means about a 30 minute conversation. During these days of the
dangerous diseases, you'd better show up at your favorite pick-up bar
armed with a checklist twice as long as Gene Simmon's tongue. It's the
best sexual aid you'll ever find to help in identifying potentially safe
partners. Remember, you're already the victim of your own hormones, so you
don't want to be the victim of somebody else's misguided ones. The
keystone of the '90's is precaution - and Safe Sex doesn't mean "not
falling off the bed" like it used to. So take along your checklist and
make your opening line something like this:
"HI there...say...you're kinda cute - but first, do you happen to have...
(at which point you pull out your list)
* Herpes I?
* Syphilis?
* Herpes II?
* AIDS?
* Herpes MDXXVIII?
* Genital Warts?
* Clap?
* Crabs?
* Gonorrhea?
* Cold Sores?
* Running Sores?
* Running Shoes (smelly)?
* Body Lice?
* Body Odor?
* Heart Disease?
* Heartworm?
* Facial tics?
* Dog ticks?
* Flat feet?
* Crows feet?
* The HEartbreak of Psoriasis?
* Ringworm?
* A pinki ring?
* A chest hair dickey?
* Gold Chains?
* A membership to the Hair Club For Men?
Also, sexual identity can get pretty confusing in the New Age, so you've
got to be sure that the person you're contemplating doesn't throw you any
surprises. The situation clearly warrants further cross-examination,
employing the tough tactics last used during the McCarthy Hearings:
"Well...you sure look like a Major Hunk to me, big guy...but...are you now
or have you ever been:
* Married or single?
* Straight or Gay?
* Bisexual or Heterosexual?
* Jewish or Gentile?
* Transsexual or transvestite?
* Aphrodite or hermoaphrodite?
* A cross-dresser or wearing a Cross-Your-Heart?
* Into leather, S&M, or Cool Whip?
* Featured in the chorus line of La Cage Aux Folles?
* A love child of Steve Garvey?
* In love with Steve Garvey?"
If you somehow make it past all those major hurdles and actually decide to
"do it", the next step is to decide upon a mutually agreaable form of
condom. This information must be finessed with as much dignity as possible
under the circumstances. A genteel way of introducing the topic would be:
"Condom?"
"Don't mind if I do."
"Latex or Sheepskin? Standard or extra thin? Colored or natural? Ribbed or
smooth? Lubricated or non-lubricated? Spermicide or plain? Reservoir
tipped or blunt end? Designer or generic? Jif or Skippy? Battery powered
or kick start? French tickler or French Vanilla? Eelskin or sharkskin?
Forward or reverse gear? Wesson oil or motor oil? Sausage or Pepperoni
stuffed?"
Whew! Now we're getting somewhere. If all systems are go - then the next
phase is choosing a mutually agreeable site and setting:
"Your place or mine? Outdoors or indoors? Back seat or front? Waterbed or
regular mattress? Nite time or nooner? Candlelit or dark? Bathtub or
shower stall? Video camerea or Polaroid? Naked or basic Victoria's Secret?
Straight or kinky? Sexual aids or fantasy? 120 or 220 volt? Orchestra Pit
or aisle? Individual or group plan? French or English horn? Amyl nitrate
|